In a world where it is more common to be a working mom as a
stay at home mom I can feel completely insignificant. The hardest year of my
life was after I quit my job to stay home and be with my children. My oldest
was 2 at the time and I was more than ready to stay home with him, hang out
with him all day, relax, play, do educational stuff. Also keep my house in
beautiful perfect order so when my husband came home from work each night there
would be a perfect meal ready and waiting for him and all we had to do each
night after dinner was sit and relax and enjoy each other’s company. It was a hard year for me because there were
so many things I didn’t understand about being a homemaker. You don’t get training for this kind of a job,
it’s a learn as you go and you better learn fast, hang on tight while praying
your way through the day.
The dreams of playing on the floor with my one and only son,
all while having a beautifully clean home with fresh cooked meals and fresh
baked goods galore all while being pregnant, were in fact a dream. In reality stay at home moms don’t have it
easy like that at all. We don’t get to play all day and the idea of having a
beautifully clean home with a 2 year old is an insane illusion. Clean a window
and look back while you are cleaning the next one and he’s already finger
printed it up the first one and possibly put his mouth all over it. Cleaning is an endless chore. At least when I worked out of the home no one
was home to make it dirty 24/7 so it stayed clean a little longer.
But it wasn’t the endless cleaning battles I faced, or the
fact that all the happy dreams of having a perfect life were not coming true it
was also the inside battle that came along shortly after becoming a stay at
home mom. It was the feeling of self
worth going down the drain. Needing to feel that I was just as important to the
world as I was when I worked and brought in money to help support my
family. I had worked hard ever since I
was 15 years old and now, now I didn’t make a dime and my hard work was hard to
see as usually one room got cleaned the other one was getting destroyed all
over again. There wasn’t a lot to show
for your hard days of work as a stay at home mom and it started to really wear
on me. I couldn’t stand not being productive or at least looking like I had
been unproductive.
So then I did this awesome thing to try and start feeling worthwhile.
I started serving in every type of ministry opportunity that came my way. At
least to the rest of the world, that seemed to look more lowly on the stay at
home moms, this would look good. At least it looked like I did something again and
the awesome part was I could do it for free and then it looked even
better! But the truth was that the more
I did and volunteered for the unhappier I became. The more I did the more I felt like I was
jipping my kids. The more ministry opportunities I took on the less quality
time I got to spend with my kids and my husband.
I know God has called me into ministry. I know that 100%. Most who know me know that I have a huge
desire to work with women’s ministry type programs. I also enjoy helping in
kids ministry programs. I did my best to find ways to get involved in programs
like this to help fill that void that I had to be involved and be important in
the ministry of Christ; I needed a sense of self-worth.
The big problem with all this was that the more I got
involved with those ministries the guiltier I felt regarding my personal life.
Things just never seemed to go right at home. I was becoming extremely short
tempered with my kids and soon with my husband. No one in my house was doing anything
right in my eyes and the perfect home life I was striving for fell down the
tubes and fast.
I had to really start praying as I didn’t understand. “God I
know you called me to do women’s ministry, and help out in the church, but why
is my life seem so rough so hard? Are you testing me am I doing something
wrong. I just want to serve you.” So
many days I would privately pray this as I watched my home life become more of
a struggle for me and for my husband and kids. I was so wrapped up in doing
ministry for other people with the idea that I was doing it for God that I hadn’t
looked at my own life with my family as my main ministry. I had not been the
person at home that God wanted me to be.
I always thought that the dreams of being the perfect mom at
home with a long long patience span, a great wife that ever adores and yes is even
submissive to her husband was just in fact that, a dream. I thought it was
something that was never going to happen, it didn’t really exist. However, I think
it can exist. I think that the type of woman I dream of being, the type of life
I dreamed of having for my family is actually a possibility and even something
God desires for my life and the life of my family. I don’t mean that I would be
a Stepford wife or anything like that, but I do believe that God desires me to
be a wife and a mommy as my first ministry to the world and yes being happy may
just be part of that.
If I can’t be supportive and helpful to my husband more
often than I am then I am failing that ministry. If I can’t each day replicate
the type of good Christian behavior that I should be showing to my children
then I am failing that ministry as well. Honestly it’s hard. I am only human I
would love for others to see me as something great and grand. But, more than
the rest of the world, I care most deeply about my spouse and his ever growing
faith and life and my children and their faith and future lives. I have to take the time now while my children
are young to teach them and show them the aspects of Jesus before it’s too
late. I need to practice and work on my behaviors at home before they grow up
and think more negatively about Christianity because of the twisted unloving
ways that were not lived out in their home here.
I eventually stopped working in all ministries I had
volunteered for and the worst part was at first I felt guilty. And then I
looked at my home life. I am far from feeling guilty that I stepped back and
listened to the voice inside my heart that told me my current ministry is to
serve my family. The rest of the world will still be there when my kids were
not so little and in need of so much of my love and attention.
My house, it’s still a wreck most days, I still feel like I
can’t keep up with everything but my family, well even though it’s far from
perfect and there are still good days and bad days, the good days far outweigh
the bad days. It’s a process I am working on still. I am much happier severing
along side with my husband and serving my babies and making sure they get the
attention and love they need now than I was trying to serve the rest of the world
only to feel important. I am important to the people who are most important to
me and that is really all that matters. And I know that even though parts of me
are super excited to move onto serving in other areas I know God has called me
to I know that now is not that time and I am to embrace and enjoy the time and
ministry he has called me to now. I have
a long way to go to be the perfect wife and mother but thankfully now I can at
least enjoy the ride as I work to become the best I can be for the ministry I
am in.