When we find out we are expecting many of us can’t help but think how we would prefer one gender over the other. We often say, well I just hope it’s healthy, but deep down we don’t expect anything but healthy. We still secretly inside wish for gender, though we mean what we say about healthy it’s almost become a cliché saying as the majority of us have nothing but purely healthy babies.
So we went in for our 20 week ultra sound with our third
child expecting routine everything. The tech doing the ultra sound was nice and cheery letting us know that
our stubborn little one would need another ultrasound because she wasn’t able
to get baby to move enough to check the whole spinal cord to make sure it was
covered and all in good health. That
seemed simple enough she just couldn’t see the whole spinal area. So as we sat
and waited for doc to come in so we could just go home and have the routine
check up part over with we talked about gender and this that and the other
thing.
Doc walked in and started talking about how babies head
measurements looked great, heart looked good but baby was not measuring
correctly between where the kidney and bladder connect and the area in the
kidney was slightly dilated. Ever have your world turned upside down? I did. I
cried my eyes out. Though this is nothing too serious as baby’s life is not in jeopardy
I was sitting there feeling so stupid because that whole morning all I was
concerned with was should we find out gender or should we not. When in truth what we should be concerned
about is making sure our babies are healthy. The cliché of saying “I just hope baby is
healthy,” was no longer a cliché saying it was true 100% true and I didn’t care
anymore if the baby was boy or girl just pray for healthy.
I was a devastated mom and feeling terrible. Worried sick
that my baby was not healthy and that there wasn’t a darn thing I can do about
it! I had the feeling in the pit of my
stomach like that one you get when your kid falls down and gets hurt and you can’t
do much for their pain just hold them and pray they end up being better. Of
course the doc repeated over and over and over again that typically this type
of a thing would usually clear up sometimes it doesn’t but just had to be aware
of the situation, but usually all turns out fine.
The guilt that washed over me in the room was more than I
could bear. I couldn't keep the tears in, partially because I am pregnant and
emotional but mostly because I felt so guilty. The guilt just wouldn't subside
it ate at me all the way home, all the way through making dinner. And then the
worry hit me like a brick wall. I worried about my baby. Asking God what we were going to do? What
happened if the worst of the worst happened? And then there was this awkward moment
of the question being repeated to me ever so gently, “What are you going to do? What would you do if the worst that she
mentioned did happen? Will you not still trust me? Have you not been saying
that this baby either boy or girl has a purpose that I have in mind for them
and you?” The tears immediately stopped
of course realizing that though the things the doc mentioned were not only out
of my control but that if those things were going to come to pass once baby was
born that I had to trust God to be in charge of it all. I didn't do anything to
cause the problem with baby it was God’s choice to have anything that may
happen to this little one occur.
I was so glad that I had such a big God with big shoulders
to go to. Even though things could have been spoken that were a lot worse than
what the doc told us I was still saddened but felt so much comfort after going
to him and being reassured over and over that He was in control and no matter
what He was going to look after me and my family including the little on
growing inside of me. There is peace in knowing that even if this baby comes
out with issues and if they don’t go away, God is taking care of it all and is
holding both me and my child through each step of the way. He will never give
us more than He is willing to help us through and He will never ask me to go
through it alone.
Though Matt and I are sure things will turn out fine, it was
a hard lesson to have to go through in order to answer the one question I keep
asking myself even before I got pregnant. “If something really bad happened to
me, would I still really trust and rely on God believing he’ll take care of me?” I can honestly answer that though this may
seem minuet detailed to some it was the question I really had to find an answer
too. Is my faith and my trust in God conditional
or will I trust that He is good even if bad happens in my life which is only
under his control?
The answer, yes, yes! and I am totally 100% sure that I’ve
never felt more reliant on Him or happy even if things aren’t perfect with my
child. I know that God has a purpose for my child and for my life and that no
matter if baby is born healthy or baby is born boy or girl there is a purpose
that no one can stop and all will be fine and perfect like He designed and
worry is not something He has asked of me to do. Knowing I can fully trust him
has relieved me of literally all my worry and it is the BEST feeling I’ll ever
have.
No comments:
Post a Comment