To the suicidal

For years I have battle a past. A nasty bad past. I have felt shamed and felt beaten. I have replayed over and over again those circumstances of my past. I have become depressed and even almost to the point of revisiting my past moments of contemplating suicide.

My story I'm sharing today isn't of one to make anyone feel sorry for me but one to bring hope. I don't know why I am writing this or who it will affect or change or help or encourage. But, I am writing this in faith that my story can change even just one life tonight.

My past is messy. I have a past where life was terrible and when I say terrible it was an emotionally confusing crazy world.

I grew up in a pastors home where one would think that love and respect and proper nurturing would have been found. And though at times you could find it, there was also more points in my past of hurt, physically, emotionally and spiritually. My father may have been a pastor, but he was also human. He was a man struggling with his own hurts, his own past and it affected the way he lived his life at home. Life was a roller coaster and I don't mean full of crazy fun ups and downs. I mean it was a roller coaster of emotions never knowing if dad was going to flip a lid in a matter of minute. He could go from crazy funny to crazy off the hook yelling and hitting in seconds. There was no warning there was no way to prevent it.

I lived in a world were being molested and being abused was part of my every day life. By the time I was eight years old I attempted suicide. Yup! I was 8. And yes I remember every detail of my thoughts going on in my head.

To those of you who don't understand kids in tough situations who feel that there is no way out and you think, 'wow suicide that is wrong," or "oh poor baby you shouldn't pity yourself so much." The truth is kids like that don't pity themselves. Most of them attempt because they feel there is no way out, that their life will never get any better and that Hell itself would be a safer place than where they are at now. The fact is most of those people don't worry if you pity them or not. Most of them hold a front that you wouldn't ever know that they were going through so much pain. They hide it well.

But, to those of you who have understood my every word. Those of you who may not have those exact feelings or problems but have enough of your own to make you want to contemplate such a feet as suicide let me tell you something...


There is HOPE!  There really is. I am on the other side of that life! I am out of it! I made it! I went through hell in back in this life! I never thought I could have this life that now I do!

If you are in elementary school, middle school, high school or even out of school and think this isn't what I thought life would be like, I can't get out! Let me give you a glimpse in pictures of what life is like on the other side of your journey.

This could be your future!

I know it seems not something possible. I never thought in my wildest dreams that any dreams of having a happy family of my own was possible. I never thought I was going to live to see myself marry a man I was actually in love with. I never thought I would marry someone who would love kids and want them as much as I do. I never thought that the perfect dream in my head of a happy loving husband, kids and a beautiful home would ever really be mine!
I dreamed all those things but when I saw my reality in front of my face as I went through living my moments of hell I never dreamed that having a real shot at this kind of  life was possible.
Even after I graduated and moved out of home life seemed to just be one hell after another. And I know that terminology for some is really hard but that is truly a suicidal state of mind. We can't imagine what the Bible talks about of hell being near as bad as the pain we have experienced day in and out. The emotions that tear you inside and out to the point that you just want to escape the world in which you can't seem to even find a window to retrieve a breath of fresh air.

But trust me to those of you who have been here, are here and maybe even will face here again; There is an out! There is a way to find peace and happiness! There is hope that you can have a real life! There is a way to get out of your hole. You may not be able to escape your world you are stuck in at the moment and that knife or those bottle of pills look tempting they even look inviting. But, do not do it! There really is a life waiting for you outside of all that you are dealing with now! There is a way to a happy ending! There is a way to peace and love and joy and all the things your heart yearns for but can't seem to find in the fakeness of what seems to be surrounding you.

Jesus may seem like such a scape goat but in all honesty His presents and Spirit are bigger than the problems you face! I hated Jesus for the longest time! I Truly thought that God wanted nothing more than to laugh at me. When I was younger I use to ask Him if he created me just to have someone to poke fun of and laugh at and get in trouble and send His wrath too!

It wasn't till I was in my mid 20's that I actually met the real God. I knew him before that but I didn't really want him around. I perceived him so wrong! I even asked him about my hurts and pains from my past. He walked me through patiently step by step to teach me who he really is. (this process has taken years but he has been with me every step of the process)

This is what I have found:

1) God is love- really He is way bigger than I could ever imagine and His love goes further than I could ever imagine. He loves me even when I have told him time and time again to go away.  He loves me even though I have sworn at Him, blamed him for my past and criticized his lack of ability to stop those horrific things from happening to children, to women and to other innocents and weaker species. He loved me no matter how angry I got at Him and he repetitively found ways to show me that.

2) God wants me!  Oh yah! To a girl who thought no one would ever want her or need her or like her ever that was something BIG!  Since I thought I was created to be the laughing stalk of the universe I never once put to thought before that God actually wanted me! Now I can quote you a ton of Bible verse but in all honesty that isn't going to help many of you who are in the low of the low.  So I am talking to you from a personal experience sort of way. First hand what I've been through.
When you are in that pit of thinking there isn't a soul who would desire to be around you, but God, he totally wants a relationship with you! He wants to hang out with you when you are depressed. He wants to hang out with you when you are crying, sassy, happy, ignorant, ugly, fat. And trust me I can say that because I was all those things. I wasn't the pretty girl in the school, I wasn't the belle of any ball at all. I was chunky, awkward and well a child. I had feelings and desires and hurts. And though day in and out those emotions still can get squashed like a bug I have learned that the God of the universe designed me because He wanted a relationship with me!
 That was cool to think that the God of the universe followed me everywhere. And though there was the part of me that argued why he never stopped the yelling, and screaming, and physical harm He made one thing super clear, HE WAS NOT HAPPY WITH THOSE PEOPLE EITHER!  He had a plan in store for them too it just was a path I was for sure happy I wasn't choosing to go down.  I realized that I wanted a relationship with this God of the universe who actually found me, the girl without hope and without a will to live, He found me irresistible to hang out with. He wanted to hang out with me. He wanted to show me exactly who He is, how big He is and what He is capable of.

3) God has a plan for it all!
 Now that may sound really patronizing at the moment to someone in the shoes of suicide but hold on. I am on the other side of this. And if the only plan God ever had through putting me through hell on earth was to share my story and save one, it was a plan I would do all over again!
Now I trust God has a bigger plan than just to affect one, but that is His business to deal with not mine. The point is that He always had a plan for every single thing that happened to me. I may only be 30 but I have seen how so many things from my past have already been to bring glory to Jesus! If i wouldn't have been through many of the things I had I would have never found myself looking for a job as far away from where I had been living. I would have never met my husband, I would have never walked the road I did, I would never have the exact three children I do now (and they are super cute and cuddly and lovable and the words, they are worth it!) The point is there was a plan to this madness all along and it wasn't to keep me in the pain forever.
God is still not done with you and He isn't done with me. He has a huge huge plan for your pain, if you will let Him deal with it. Trust me it's worth it! The whole going through the life I did with the exact people I did; I would do it all again because I know God has a way bigger plan for my past that I could have ever done with it!

Suicide isn't the answer. There is hope on the other side. There is a way to find happiness. There is a way to eventually get out. There is someone who is there in your darkest moments when you feel like there is not a soul who cares. The moments when you are being hurt that you just would rather die than continue on. There is a happy ending in store for you! Wait for it. You may be in your darkest hours but there will be light at the end of it all. Pray Jesus is there 24/7 and He will talk to you, hold you, listen to you and He can protect you from yourself!

Seriously just know there is a plan outside of your pain you just have to get to the other side. It may take one night it may take years but there is a light you have to keep trusting even when you don't get anything at all!