Changing the face of Christmas

Christmas morning was a blast. Well for the most part. There was a slight part where I was slightly saddened by my 5 year old's reaction to "I want to open more presents. Aren't there any more for me?" The morning had a slight cloud at that point. There had been many presents, clothes, toys, books, you name it. Don't get me wrong we don't ever go over the top with spending oodles of dollars on our kids but still, we spend a pretty penny.

A few days prior to this whole Christmas thing happening I was thinking how proud I was of him that he randomly had mentioned he wanted to go through all of his toys and give some away to kids who don't have any. I was thinking he was the sweetest boy ever and I must have been doing something right. However, we did not pick out any toys at that moment to give away.

But as Christmas morning progressed and we went on with life after trying to explain to him that Christmas wasn't about Santa Clause and presents and trying to remind him that it was really about Jesus' birthday he proceeded to mention a few more times how he wished he had more presents to open.

Finally as he was sitting there complaining that he did not have enough I was becoming discouraged. I wasn't upset because I couldn't give him more, on the contrary we could have if we wanted too. The point was that I really don't want my kids thinking that they need to be so selfish as to think they deserve all these presents and gifts.

I love my kids. I love spoiling them. But there is so much more to life than things. So I sat down and I was the cruel mom that put him on my lap and I explained things in a perspective that he could understand. I decided to not mention Jesus at all, instead I wanted to just try and explain love (as Jesus is so as not to always be feeding him the right answer)

I informed him that there were many children in the world who would be happy just to receive a cheese burger for Christmas, or a loaf of bread. I explained to him that there were several children out there that didn't have blankets to sleep with, warm food to eat or a nice roof over there head.

Then I explained there are children out there that have none of those things and they also would give anything to have a family with them for Christmas. He got all big eyed on that one and explained he understood, "but I really wanted more lego's for Christmas." he added.

So to make matters a little clearer I stopped his play time all together, pulled out a pair of  pants, a shirt and a little present of his sisters.  And I said "you see that?" He looked. "that there is sometimes all mommy got for Christmas when Grandma and Grandpa couldn't afford anything else."

He sat for a moment kind of quiet like he was thinking. I could tell it was sinking in.  Then his sweet eyes with tears in them said, "you mean when you were my size you only got two presents?"

I informed him that I was lucky when my mom made me an outfit to wear and I got a little gift under the tree just for me. I loved it! To me Christmas was about the fun stuff spending time with my family, eating fattening foods we normally didn't eat, watching movies and eating popcorn, and just hanging out with family and sometimes people from our church.

And then to really make it sink in, I pulled away the presents. Picked up and empty bag and handed it to him. "how would you like that for Christmas?"

He was silent. "it's empty! That isn't very nice."

"But, would Christmas still come without any presents? Would you still have fun hanging out with mom and dad and your brother and sister?" He nodded yes.

Of course it finally sank in. Though I want him to understand Jesus' Birthday is the reason to celebrate I also wanted my child to not sound like so many other kids out there. I want my child to learn to be thankful always at every season. Not looking for more but being grateful for what he has.

I asked him if maybe next year we should take some of the money we spend on nice things for ourselves and give it to someone who needs food, and clothes and things that help us live. (we did that this year too but he didn't really know about it) His response, "Jesus would be really happy if we did that." It's true He would be, but shouldn't we be doing that instead of pretending Santa Clause exists on Christ's Birthday?

And then as the day progressed I had time to really think. This whole celebrating Christmas thing, it was really turning into nothing more than a joke to the rest of the world when we proclaim that we are celebrating Christ birth.  We want to sound so Christian by keeping "Christ in CHRISTmas" But yet, when our kids wake up and run to the presents under the tree how many of us remember Christ as we watch them rip open their gifts in eagerness just throwing them aside one by one to get to the next gift?

I certainly didn't see Jesus anywhere in my living-room as I watched my kids open gifts. I saw eager, joy filled faces, but it wasn't because Jesus was born it was for the simple fact that they were being spoiled rotten with gifts. Showered with love from those who love them.

Now, I am not saying there is anything wrong with enjoying this moment of seeing joy on your kids faces and spoiling them. I am ok with that. What I am saying is that is not what celebrating Christ birth should really look like.

If we were really wanting to see Christ on Christmas morning we'd be working so hard to bring Him a gift. Part of me thinks that next year, though I enjoy giving my kids and family presents I am planning to celebrate His birthday way different. What if I made my kids buy others things like food, and shelter, and blankets?

What if for the whole next year every time I wanted to buy a throw blanket or a decoration for my house or something else that makes it 'homey' I put the money aside and buy a real blanket for someone who sleeps without one out in the cold?

There are so many people out there that need the love of Christ. As Christians we are great at saying how much we love Jesus. But the point is that is all we say. Our actions to reaching out to serve our community is lacking.

Sure we may give our tithe to the church. Shouldn't they be taking care of the poor? But lets be honest, most of the church money goes to pay the people who run the church, and to keep the lights on and the building heated and the mortgage paid for. When it comes to your tithe how much of it really goes to missions and to the community to feed the poor, needy, hungry, and parentless?

It's not the building where you congregates job to show the love of Jesus to the world. It's our job to get up off our butts, to stop being selfish and shopping for things we don't need. We should be handing out our free time and even our money to those who actually need it. Give a helping hand to those who are struggling.

Appleton Wisconsin has homeless everywhere. In my church alone there are over 1,000 attenders on a regular basis. If all 1,000 of those people gave up for one year buying Starbucks, stopping at fast food joints, buying items for their house to decorate it or make it feel more homey, taking expensive vacations, buying stuff that lets admit we don't actually NEED and gave all that money we would typically spend in a year on that stuff to someone who needed to clothe their kids, feed their kids, put a roof over their heads Appleton would NOT have a homeless problem.

 And that is just one congregated church. Imagine if all the people who were Christ followers all over the world did that? Could you imagine?!?! The orphans would have homes, the widows would be cared for. Everyone would eat and no one would go to bed hungry or freeze to death.

Time for Christians in this world to stop claiming the name Christian unless you actually plan to start acting like what that term means. It means "little Christ's," Or "Imitator of Christ." In Bible times when people were referred to as Christians it was meant as an insult. The people who followed Christ did not find it to be an insult they were flattered. But those who looked on who lived a normal life, with some decent morals and thought they were religious, threw that term at them to insult them and make fun of them. It was not something people claimed to hang onto just to make themselves sound good.

So this year, as I press forward with rearing my kids and working on building my relationship with Christ I plan to change my ways. There are tons of things I want. Trust me. But there are only a few things I actually need to survive. I have family, I have a warm roof over my head, I have food for my family. Those, are necessities, everything else is a want, or a desire. You could live without everything else you just have to choose to be willing to sacrifice your wants so someone else can have a need fulfilled.

I am not by any means saying take the joy and fun out of Christmas. But so many of us think that if we didn't spoil the kids rotten on Christmas day and give them oodles of presents and make sure Santa stopped by with a bucket load of toys for our kids that there wouldn't be joy or magic on Christmas.

Let me tell you something. I find more joy giving to people who need a helping hand than I do in almost anything else. Why can't we think our young children wouldn't be the same in experiencing that joy too? I highly doubt that having my kids help others in need would ruin their Christmas celebration, I believe it would make it a funner, more meaningful Christmas than any others.Why not change the way we as Christians celebrate Christmas?

 Why not take our kids somewhere and have them give gifts to others who otherwise wouldn't see one happy face on Christmas? Why not let your kids see those in need and give them a helping hand that day? That my dear friends is going to bring them such joy, and memories like you would not believe! It may even change the face of the world if we could just teach our kids to be someone other than the typical selfish child growing up in the world that tells them that it's all about them.

I only hope that next year, I can truly bring the life of Christ birth to my children's world. And though I will definitely give them a day of gifts of their own, I know for sure i am going to give them a "CHRISTmas Day!"

A moment to remember I am blessed

The other night as Matt and I were in our family room wrapping presents I sat back and just stared at the pile of rising wrapped gifts. The pile was growing bigger and bigger and I was just for a moment staring in awe. Matt caught my look and asked curiously what I was thinking about.

In all my years of life I have never felt more blessed. Truly those gifts, not a single one in the pile was for me, or even for my kids. They were for other people. I was thinking how blessed I am by God. I have this really awesome family with love that will never be taken away. I have a beautiful home, that has more than enough room for all of us to spread out in and find our own space. I have been blessed with enough money to help others, to buy gifts for people we don't even know.  I have been blessed with new friendships made and ones that existed made stronger. My family has been blessed with good health. We have been blessed in so many ways.

I am not writing to brag only to remember this moment so when I reread this and need to be reminded of how loved I am by God when I feel alone I will know by my own words just how blessed I have truly been in this life. I have been blessed this year in more ways than I could possibly count. God is so good, not just because He has blessed us with the ability to help others, but also because of the gifts He has given that could never have a price tag put on them.

I hope moments like these are the ones that I bring to mind on a bad day, the days I wonder if God is even there with me. I know He is when I can stop and look back and think about positive moments such as this one. But they are not always the easy moments to remember when I am feeling down. So today I write out the blessings I have found this year at Christmas time. The gift of love is forever in the home, not just love from my husband and kids, but the love of God is shining here as well.

Life is not always perfect and peachy, but in my moment today I am perfectly at peace with all the Love God has blessed to me and my family.

Finding the American Dream- easier than you think

As of late I have really taken personal time (yes even with busy children all over) to think about life and all bouts of it. Life in America seems so hard for people. As the rate of employment and home ownership seems to be back on the rise so does the rate of depression. The things we have seem to be more cause of depression than cause for joy and peace and satisfaction.

So why do we as American's strive for more?
Why are we so depressed if the world around us is supposedly improving and getting better?
Why are we so sad and miserable with all this stuff?
Why does America, the leading country in the number of Christians, have one of the highest depression rates in the world?

The more I thought about it the more I realized I was wanting something more. Something different. I wanted a life of happiness and joy and to not be like everyone else in my world. I wanted to be the one that stood out to make a difference. I don't want to live in the land of 'it's ok to be depressed." I wanted to live in the land of the happy and joyful living.

I wanted to give my kids something better too! I didn't just want to be like every other parent out there and raise my kid so they fit into society. I want to raise my kids so they will be the light that is different that makes the world around them want to be someone better.

I didn't want a life of perfection but I wanted one of simplicity and joy and filled with love and happiness.

And then it hit me. I do want the American Dream! The real American dream is to find pure happiness and joy. We just go looking for it in all the wrong places. We look in other people and in things. But I wanted everything to be more simple. The kind of simplicity you would find while reading Laura Ingalls Wilder's books. The kind of simple that has long been forgotten.

The simplicity where the only thing I have to worry about is making sure my kids are clothed, fed and knowing they are truly loved. A life where my husband is my ultimate world and him being happy is more important to me than keeping up with the American dream.

So my goal for the upcoming year, and starting now is to become simple. To become the joy filled, loving, Christ centered Christian. Where everything I do doesn't have to be drastic and showy. Where my home is filled with love, not objects to make it look good or too much activity to keep me from forming real bonds with those I love most.

My steps to a simpler life have really taken my brain to places such as; figuring out who to place first in my life instead of myself;  or stop caring about what other people think of me and how I choose to live life. I use to be that person that looked to others for my happiness. I wanted them to all think I was great. I wanted people to think I was wise, I was smart and Biblically intelligent. I wanted them to see me as a good wife and mom.

 But in all honesty while I was seeking everyone else's approval for my life I was missing the whole point.

I missed the part of actually caring what God thought. I wasn't trying to just act like a good person but that was what I was doing. When I was seeking approval from others I found that deep down there was never great satisfaction with anything I did. Why? Because frankly there was always someone out there who seemed to think I could do more, something different, or something better. It was true, I couldn't please everyone.

Though my focus deep down really was to please God I kept surfacing to thinking that if I was pleasing the Christian's around me it meant I was pleasing God. On the contrary, I have found that pleasing the Christians around me was only taking me to the road of difficulty, depression, lack of self-worth and many other negative places. This does not mean I think these Christians around me are terrible people, it means that my focus was wrong. Those people were not the One I need to please and try and make happy.

When I give up trying to impress the people around me and I just focus on pleasing God my life becomes simpler. Truly the cross I bare is so much lighter. The weight on my shoulders seems like it isn't even there at all. The things I do to please God are so easy for my heart to decide to do. It really makes the verses in Matthew 11:29&30 seem so true  "Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

This does not mean my natural instincts jump right on this idea. It may go against every grain of human nature that is in me. It doesn't mean every day is perfect, especially the days I am not being God focussed. But, when I focus on living my life only for God all the things He requires of me to do really do become Simple, Easy, and can even be FUN!

I have stopped trying to get my home to be picture perfect. I use to think I needed a spotless, gorgeous, always picked up home without any signs of dirt in it. I even tried to make it look like toddlers weren't running a muck in my home. I was constantly trying to find things to fill it with to make it look 'better.'  I did this thinking a clean home meant a happy home.

When I stopped focusing on the stuff to impress the world around me and started focusing on how God wanted me to run the home I have learned I was totally wrong. My kids are kids, they are going to make things dirty. They want me to play with them and read books. They are not going to grow up and wish I had spent less time with them and more time trying to make our house look like a Better Homes and Gardens magazine cover. A toy scattered home means I have love flowing through it.

The picture perfect dinner table has also stopped happening. My husband seems way more relaxed to come home now that I have made most dinners more simplistic. I don't try and make fancy meals that the kids won't eat because let's face it, they are little they don't want pretty food, they want it to taste good, fancy food to a kid is pointless. My husband doesn't care if the meal looks perfect or classy, he just wants food and happy kids and a happy, less stressed wife.

When I apply simple to my life it may mean my kids don't get a bath one night because we decide to let the kids go outside and run around and play in the dirt. It may mean that my house goes in disarray for a few days in order to make more time to play with my kids. It may mean saving the dishes that should have been done earlier for even longer so I can read a book to their ever growing little minds.

There is always tomorrow to get things clean. I am not saying I leave my home in such disarray that my children, husband and I are always sick. I am saying that letting things be without worrying what it looks like to everyone else is more important. I'm relaxing and letting the joy of life fill my home. I am not going to concern myself with allowing how others think a perfect home should be run rule our home anymore.

God's first calling in my life is to serve my family. He is not asking me to be more than I can or to make sure I look like the ideal wife, or mother. God is asking me to focus first on taking care of those He has entrusted to me to care for the most, those living under my roof. They can't live joyfully and lovingly in my home if there is always worry that they are going to say or do the wrong thing that may just be what sets me over the edge.

Living simple in America is truthfully hard at times. It's hard not to see the displays of beautiful, well put together, picture perfect homes  all over the internet and not wish that I had a moment of quiet in one of those.

The truth is I know that some day, when my kids are a few years older than they are now, they aren't going to want to have me hang out with them. They aren't going to need me to get on the floor and build train tracks with them. They aren't going to ask me to build the Lego set again and again or play dolls or whatever. One day, a day coming all too soon, my children are going to want to be more independent.

And when that day comes it means I'll have more time to tidy my home, prep nicer meals, work on art projects for my home to make it look more inviting to strangers. It means there will be less toys scattered and the idea that a toddler lives in my house will one day be a distant memory.

So today I choose to live simply. If for nothing more than to keep my children feeling joyful, loved and happy. I want my kids first memories of me and my home to be one of love and fun. Not one of mom freaking out because they just messed up my perfectly neat home.

Simple is not always an easy choice. It's not always the first thought I choose when something goes wrong. But I am learning with practice. The more I practice simple in my home the more joy that seems to flow. The more innocent giggles I hear and the more memories I have made that I will cherish for a life time.

My goal in life is to live as much like Christ as possible. Christ always lived simple. He didn't live to impress anyone other than the one He loved the most, His Father. Today I choose to live simple so that I may also impress the same Father. I will choose to live a life of quiet ease. I choose to live a life where I care more about the 4 wonderful people He has blessed me with under my one roof than I do about making an impression to those who would soon forget me if I were no longer around.

Blessed to be a blessing

Today as I was going about my morning minding my own business I was heading home from the gas station where I had just stood out in the cold weather praying the car would just hurry up and fill. It was freezing! So as I am driving home I see this old man he was walking with bag in hand, he had a jacket, hat and gloves but he was literally shuffling his feet as though that was all the faster he could walk. I drove past.  Yup I did I kept driving even though I had this little voice tell me to stop and pick him up.

As I kept driving of course I was watching in my mirror, feeling annoyed because frankly I didn't mind doing the right thing, after all it was cold but surly one of the three cars following me would stop and get him. I drove about 5 blocks and could see that no one had stopped. Grrrrr I was frustrated was no one kind hearted enough to pick the man up?! I at least had an excuse I had two little kids in my car I shouldn't have to stop! But then it hit me, I was just as selfish and self absorbed as all the other people who had just driven by. Too worried about getting on with my day to stop and help a stranger.

So I did a u-turn in the middle of the road, went back and picked him up. Poor guy was half frozen by the time I got him in the van. My 2 year old looked at me funny at first and then once he seemed to realize what was going on gave me a big ol' smile as in approval.  The man was ever so sweet! You know the kind of old man that is like the grandfather figure to everyone and just pleasant and chipper. He had such a good attitude reminding me that there are soldiers in freezing cold places who stand out on cold days like this one without a shelter to keep them warm. He made me smile all the way to his destination, even got to stop and drop off his mail for him. It was fun, and I am glad I stopped to the urgent calling in my heart to give the man a lift.

It was funny, I didn't think until I got home to even think to wish the man a Merry Christmas. Why? Because frankly I shouldn't care if it's the 'season for giving and caring,' I should just be reaching out doing small acts of kindness every day to those I see in need. I think I was blessed today by being able to help him out  more than he was by me stopping to pick him up. And to think, I almost missed this moment of happiness and joy by being selfish, not wanting to stop with my van of kids in the cold to help a stranger in need.

Forever grateful I got to help out today! I will officially be looking for new and more ways to reach out to those in my community, in my neighborhood and around me. It's a blessing to be a blessing!

A stress free Christmas season

I love Christmas and everything it brings, everything it means. What I don't like is the stress so many of us encounter. So this year I  decided before the season began to try my best to not be stressed at all during this entire season to just find ways to enjoy it. And you know what? So far, so good. 
I stopped trying to be the image of perfection. I stopped planning to go to too many things. I stopped trying to make sure I was making everyone else happy and I stopped trying to make sure everything looked perfect in my house as well as outside of it. 
I refuse to feel rushed or bombarded with things to get done or to do lists that if I don't get to them no one but me will notice. This year is about having fun with my children, seeing the fun of Christmas through their eyes. And let me tell you something, it's been the least stressful and most fun Christmas I can remember. 
Jesus didn't come so we would make a big deal out of everything this time of year. He came to bring us peace and joy and love. So that is what I am sticking with making sure is around me and my family this year, love, joy and peace. 
Don't let the ruckus of the season overwhelm you. Relax and enjoy every little part of it you can. Sit back and enjoy the snowy weather, the lights outside, the lights on your tree, a warm cup of hot chocolate wrapped in a blanket snuggled up with your kids. Stop trying to force it into a Christian thing by making a big deal about the difference between Santa and Christ. The point of the season is to be free of hate, free of condemnation free to live in a joyful mood with love abounding everywhere. The reason for the season was a Savior who came to save us from it all, not start petty fights over Christ vs Santa. Yes I stress Christ birth first but I don't deny my kids the joy that a little imagination brings to their hearts as well.
May you be blessed this season and all seasons of life with the remembrance to not stress about the stuff that doesn't matter but to embrace the Savior that came to save you from it all.

To be like the Poor Widow

Mark 12: 41-44 Jesus sat down near the collection box in the Temple and watched as the crowds dropped in their money. Many rich people put in large amounts.  Then a poor widow came and dropped in two small coins. Jesus called his disciples to him and said, “I tell you the truth, this poor widow has given more than all the others who are making contributions. For they gave a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she had to live on.”

 I am not going to lie; I LOVE this story!! It is a short one but holds so much meaning to it, not just back when Jesus was alive but also to learn from today. So, what I am going to do is tell a story, much like this one but put it into terms we would recognize if it were to happen today, and if you look around your church moments like this happen all the time.

A well known man walks into the big bad Christian church. People are dressed in their typical up to date, dressed to impress, fashions. He sees an old widow, clothes are a bit old looking and warn, they are far from new. At closer view point you could smell that she has not had a luxury of a shower in a good week, her close have small holes in them and her shoes, well if you want to call them that, they are falling apart and her glasses are tapped together on one side barely holding the lens in place.

The man takes notice that no one in the whole building is stopping to talk to her, to see if she needs help or see if they can assist her in any way. They don't even seem to be noticing that she is in the building at all. The man proceeds to walk into the sanctuary where there are instruments up on stage, people smiling and singing praise songs as loud as ever boasting of their care and love for God.

The time comes for the offering to be passed around. Nice velvet bags with sturdy brown handles are passed from person to person. The place is packed and about every third person or so places an envelope full of money into the bag, thinking not much about what they just did. The looks on their faces are all mixed emotions some are happy, some are a little down cast but not too sad but none look as alone as the lady who had come in ratted clothes and torn. 

As the collection bag comes to her the man notices how she touches the soft velvet, something she was obviously not accustom to wearing or touching. She places in what appears to be a $10 bill. As she puts the money in the bag and passes it on the woman has a smile on her face, very serene and almost holy. 

The man stops to tell the close friends around him, "you see that woman over there, the one no one else pays attention too? Though she may appear to not offer much she has offered more than those who gave in song, more than those who smile all day in passing to the strangers who are easy to look at, more than those who gave their normal 'tithing dues.' This woman has shown the love she has for the Father God because she has sacrificed her meals for this week to give all she has to the Father. This woman has given everything she has to God. This woman is a woman of faith and love, for she knows that God will take care of her."

I have to stop when I think about this story and question myself. Have i given fully of myself to God as this woman has? Have I left no question in God's mind that I am fully devoted to Him, believing that He will supply all my needs as it says in Philippians 4:19?  If Jesus were to walk into my church could He look at me, pick me out of the crowed as the one who truly gave it all for the cause of the Kingdom of God?

I'd love to say yes, that for sure I know God would look at me as one who has sacrificed all for Him. But truth is day in and out I don't give everything to Him. I definitely don't give all my living expenses to Him, or my time. 

I can say though that I am not going to totally jilt myself either. I am a stay at home mom. I do know that I have given up the worldly pleasures of having all sorts of extra money so I can stay home with my children and raise them in a safe and healthy Christian environment. I know that I dedicate my time to serving my husband and working on and being devoted to our marriage. 

I know that I have given my time to serve God in areas where he has called me, but I can honestly say I have not always done it with a pleasant and willing and faithful attitude that God will provide for me. Instead usually when I feel God prompting me to give more of my time or more of our finances I often feel more stressed and worry about not having enough of both to make me and my family happy. It almost becomes a fight because I think I have given enough, why do I have to forfeit more? I can not always say I do things with an attitude that is pleasing to God. I am not always in a attitude that is sold out for Christ, wither in serving in time or serving with money.

I need to be less worried about earthly desires and personal gains and just focus on making sure the light of Jesus shines through my actions. I need to be the candle in the dark to everyone around me all the time. I need to always act the way I would if Christ walked into the door and saw me, I would be the one He pointed out as the one who truly gave all I had to the cause of the Kingdom of God.

More than the American Christian

I am becoming frustrated with the 'Christians' that call themselves that who live here in America. It seems like it's the new fad. You know once the schools started banning anything to do with God Christianity seems to have taken off as the new dare devil thing, which of course makes it cool. Now, I am not saying I am not glad that God is considered cool, because He is, but there needs to be more of a realness to it. A real full on relationship with God, a personal experience with Him, not just once when we first offer our lives to Him but a daily open communication with Him.

Now a days it seems that we as Christians are the people that think as long as we are nice, and friendly and giving and sharing and caring and all those other fun things that any moral person would do anyways, that we are showing 'the love of Christ.' So, are we really showing Christ to be any different than the atheist who lives down the street? The atheist who lives down the street still has moral values, he believes in sharing, and caring for the less fortunate, and he believes in being kind always to others and loving those around him. So, sounds to me like Christians are sharing nothing different than a man who doesn't believe that God even exists let alone sent a Savior who died for us.

So how as Christians can we really stand out? How can we really be different? Is just congregating on Sunday's and occasionally with our churchy friends throughout the week the only thing that makes me different from the guy down the street? Because if it is, let me tell you that really really sucks. To put it bluntly that means there is nothing different other than a bunch of wasted time congregating with a group of people who are trying to prove who is more spiritual than the next. If there is nothing deeper than what seems to lay out there for the world to see as we portray Christ then we as Christians are in a world of hurt! And to put it as kindly as possible the rest of the world who doesn't know Christ on a personal level is screwed!

So how can we be different? How can we show even an atheist that we are different? How can we show that God really exists with us and in us? That God is there, that God cared enough to send His one and only Son to earth to die for them? How, especially at this time of year, can we open the door for all the world to experience salvation through Jesus Christ? How can we be more than the average American Christian?

If you don't have an answer for this then it's high time you ask God to really show you how. If you are that serious that you want others to see Christ through you then you need to find a way to be different. You need to find a way to be stretched beyond human limits, to face anything that you fear, and accept that you may just need to step out of your comfort zone and go above and beyond with God being your strength, not relying on your own logic. If others salvation really means that much to you, which it should, then you should be far less concerned with blending in and fitting in with everyone including your Christian friends. You should be more concerned with making sure you are always living your life 100% sold out for the cause of Jesus Christ.

Too many of us are worried we are going to look weird, or be rejected. But here is the thing, if people are rejecting what you stand for and what you have to say stop worrying about it being about you. They aren't rejecting you they are rejecting Jesus and that is to be more of a concern than you looking good to them. Some of those people out there that you are worried about looking weird in front of are looking for the person who is different the person who isn't just nice on their own accord. They are looking for the person that smiles even on a bad day, that has pure untainted joy that flows out of your mouth, your smile, your very being of a person.

Does that mean you have to be overly bubbly and annoying people walking around saying "Jesus loves you, Jesus loves you." No! of course it doesn't mean that. But it does mean that you can show you are different than the atheist, or the person who is just nice because they were brought up to have good moral values. It means that even when human nature would crumble you do not. When others are stressed out, you are not because you are relying on the God of the universe for your strength to hold you together. You have offered your body as a living sacrifice, if God is flowing through you His power and strength reside in you at all times so even when you are physically and emotionally drained on a human level the miracle of God is that He can make you stand strong and speak for you.

Don't keep relying on the logic, and personal human understanding and strength to be kind, to be compassionate. Don't do things just so people can see, and just so people think you look good, or you look like a fully devoted Christian. Do things that are out of the ordinary. Do things that are nice, but do them because God asked you too, not because your church friends will think you are amazing or other onlookers will see you as a nicer person. Ask God to flood you with Joy, His Joy so that when the worst and best of circumstances come in your life everyone around you can see that Jesus really is your sustainer, that Jesus really is the reason you sing, the reason you smile, the reason you share, the reason you love. Don't go through another holiday just being kind to people because it's the right, Christian thing to do. Go through the holiday doing those things because God asked you, then you will grumble less, you will not have the desire to wish you hadn't volunteered and you will do it out of pure joy in your heart.

Joy this season will not come because you have everything it will come because you give everything!

All I want for Christmas-simplicity

Through the years I have looked back and really learned to appreciate the simpleness that my parents gave us at Christmas time. When I was little I guess I probably didn't understand it all that much, at least not the gift part. My parents were never rich, could never a ford huge presents or big parties. I was brought up where even the little things were to be appreciated. Christmas was always simple in forms of gifts but in time spent with family and each other it was priceless.
Now, Christmas has changed for me. I have a family of my own. I have gotten caught up in the same routine of Christmas as every other Christian in America has. I have bought into the need to buy everything to try and see my kids be happy. I have been caught up in the need to make sure everything looks just so. I have been caught up in the thrill and the fun and the 'magic' of it all. I have been caught up, in Satan's tools of lies, forgetfulness, depression, and comparisons. Unfortunately because of these tools he uses I look around and I see unhappiness.
Sure, everything in the world looks beautiful, it looks like we are all happy. But truth is the happiness is only for a fleeting moment. We are happy to see others, while secretly we are at the store hoping that this year we get just the right toy for our child to make them happy for longer than a week, make them truly appreciate the things they have. Truth is we are all spending money looking for happiness and acceptance this time of year.  The sad part is we have all bought into that lie that those things are what are going to get us accepted and appreciated.
We aren't happy because frankly, come January 6th or 7th a week after the festivities die down, we all get our bills for the money we have spent, the lights come down and the 'joy' is gone. We all realize that life is going to go back to the mundane boring old routine. We all realize that our kids are going to still throw fits, find no value in objects because they don't really comprehend what it means to go without something and they don't know the value of money. (in there world that stuff just appears in mom and dads wallets to give them what they want.)
But this year for Christmas I am having the same problem. I have been out looking for the best decor for my new home. I have been shopping aimlessly wondering what to get my husband for Christmas and my kids, and my in laws and my parents. Why? Why does everything seem so empty to me? I want to buy things for them and give them gifts but why do I get more joy out of giving clothes to a complete stranger than I do buying something fun for my family? I care so much about all my family and want them happy so why is Christmas becoming so hard and almost depressing?
The answer is simple. The stranger needed the clothes while my kids, my in-laws, my husband, my siblings they don't actually have a need for anything. It's hard to give something to someone when you know it's only half way appreciated. Why? Because the gifts we give are not gifts those people can live without, they are gifts that they like or wanted but didn't actually need. They are gifts that will just clutter up their already full wardrobe, or another toy to be added to the barely touched toy bin or another gadget that will hang on the wall where there are already too many decorations hung.
I can't help but realize how far I myself have come from the true meaning of it all. Sure Christmas was originally a pagan holiday set up for people other than Christians to celebrate Christ's birth. But as a Christian I claim to celebrate Christmas to honor the joy that was given in a manger so long ago. The truth is I can say that until I am blue in the face, but if you look at all the gifts I have already bought for people you would see that there is really not much about Christmas in the gifts that belong to celebrating Jesus birth.
So, what do I want for Christmas? I want simplicity. I want to give gifts to people who need them. I want people to stop buying stuff for me that though I am grateful that they think of me and want to get stuff for me I want them to share their wealth with someone who needs it. Those gifts that I get could feed kids who are starving. They could benefit the warming shelter or help an orphanage stay warm one more month.
I want a simple Christmas where I can really revel in the glory that was sent years ago. I want to bring it all back, back to the way it was when I was growing up where I may have only gotten a few small none expensive gifts but I enjoyed the time with my family just celebrating the happiness that comes and the real joy that comes from celebrating the birthday of a true King.
Does that mean I won't be buying things this year for my kids? No I have already bought things. But it does mean that next year and years to come there is a thing called simplicity that needs to be taught at this time of year. We have the rest of the year to spoil our kids why just do it one day out of the year? I plan to bring Christmas in my house back to the manger, where there were two poor people who couldn't even get a room in an inn to give birth to a King. I vow from this year out to make Christmas more simple to bring back the meaning of what Christmas is about. To show my children that Christmas is about bringing hope to a broken world, not just saying it, but doing it. Not just pretending to help but really helping. Not just in front of people so it looks good but behind closed doors where no one knows it was you.
I want Christmas in my house to be fun, to be joyful, to be full of hope and inspiring to my kids that they can see Jesus in me, especially at Christmas. The best gift I can give my kids is the joy of simplicity and the excitement of realness in knowing that Jesus came with a purpose to die, and raise so we could all have the one and only gift that we take with us when we die. All the other gifts of the world are futile when you look at the gift we should be giving and showing and sharing with everyone in the world around us. May my heart of this Christmas remain with me all year through, not just on Christmas, but may it shine extra bright to those who need to see the hope they are looking for.

It's Time...

It’s time…

Time to let go

Let go of holding on

Holding on to bitterness, anger, hate, sin

It’s time…

Time to give up

Give up pretending

Pretending that it’s all ok, that I wasn’t really hurt by your actions

It’s time…

Time to move on

Move on from the pain

Pain which I have let eat me alive and steal my happiness and joy

It’s time…

Time to forgive

Forgive you and me

Forgive you for your past and forgive me for my own.

It’s time…

Time to wake up

Wake up to the Hope

The Hope found in Christ that He has for me

It’s time…

Time to embrace

Embrace who I am

Embrace who I am as forgiven and set free

It’s time…

Time to be free

Free from guilt

Guilt which comes from regrets in my past

It’s time..

Time to Learn

Learn how to go

Go forward with the next step to life with Hope

It’s time…

Time for Joy!

Joy that will last a lifetime because of the freedom I have found in letting go of regrets of the past, embracing myself knowing I am forgiven by God and myself.  Joy that comes when making the choice to not let the things of this world ruin the hope we carry for a better tomorrow.

It’s time to choose to be joyful, in all things. In order to have that we must truly find a way to reach into the things we don’t understand and forgive those who have wronged us. We must know and believe that God has a purpose for the pain. We cannot hold onto our past in anger and in pain, keeping it hidden and feeling sorry for ourselves. We have to make a choice to forgive, only then can we find a way to heal, to be used and go on with life in a manner that is not keeping us in a depressed state of mind. When we forgive you can find the ultimate Joy you are looking for.

Do not give Satan a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26&27   And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil)There is a reason we are told to forgive and not let the sun set on our anger, because then you give Satan a foothold to grab on in your life. He will take anything he possibly can find as a way to ruin you. Too many Christians are great at actually forgiving a stranger or even a friend but you need to forgive the people who you think screwed up your past just as well, that may mean your family or possibly yourself.

Move on, God does want you to love those people even with their past. He loves them! He doesn’t want you living in the pain of the past. He has so much more for you and you may just need to let go so God can really use you in the future. Pain hurts, yes, but not forgiving someone makes the pain bigger and even harder to get over. Forgive and let go. You may not have strength on your own, but you can make the choice to forgive and God will help you find the peace and joy that you’ve been missing because you do not have it when you do not forgive.

Words women cringe at: Submit-respect

O.k. So most anyone who knows me knows that I have a H.U.G.E issue with the typical topic of wifely submission. I mean we hear about it all the time in church. We hear how we are meant to submit, that we are to do things our husbands way no questions asked just do it. We are to respect our husbands and many times it comes across as nothing shorter than a form of the man owns you as a piece of property to do with as he wills. It sounds like ultimate slavery, it doesn't sound like a life filled with any sort of pleasure or fun or even excitement, romance and love as we hope for. Honestly if most women thought this was the way marriage was to be we never would have gotten married, because a marriage like that becomes lonely.

In truth the talk we hear on submission is something I clearly say is like beating a dead horse. That ship has come and gone a thousand times and I laugh at most men inwardly who even choose to try and discuss it, because lets face it they wouldn't want someone to tell them to act the way they are telling us to act. And wives and those who wish to ever be wives, I couldn't agree more, this topic is way to abused. But I am going to write about submission in a different light, submission that I believe to be true, from God, untainted submission that both brings in respect for your spouse and also in turn a true lasting love in marriage that isn't without romance or a life of boredom.

 My husband and I have had this talk many times and my husband has even said, "If you were to act like those people have described they think their wife should submit I would have never married you, at least not without punching you in the face and making you talk." My husband is a mellow person so no he does not harm me at all, but this also shows how admit he seems to be against this idea the typical "Christian" male brings to the table when discussing such a topic.

In truth I agree 100% that when we submit we are giving our husbands the respect that is actually talked about in the Bible that we are to give our spouse. I love reading Proverbs 31 (go ahead and take a read quick you'll enjoy it). In this chapter of the Bible this woman is known for her fear of the Lord, she is known for not just respecting her husband but also bringing him respect from others. It also talks about the ways in which she lives. She runs the household smoothly, she makes wise choices, words of kindness are there. There are so many things that she does, for her children, her maid servants, and her husband. Her children and her husband rise and call her blessed.

Her husband praises her, he is not ashamed of her and he is respected in the city gates. Those are some big things I take away from this passage and strive for to bring to my husband and our marriage. So here are a few steps to help build a respectful and even submissive relationship with your husband without falling over the edge and feeling trapped as your husbands slave.

1) Talk well of him to others. When you say good things about your spouse and nothing negative EVER, not even to your best friend or his, you lift him up. This means even when you are fighting keep it to yourselves! If you need a place to clear your mind or get a better perspective make sure he knows you just need a person to talk to about it that way he doesn't feel he is being rejected. Make sure it's a person he trusts to not judge him. There is nothing worse than feeling like when he is with you and your friends that he doesn't belong.

2) Talk with him. Do NOT, repeat DO NOT talk at him! There is a big difference between talking with your husband and talking at him. When you talk at him there is a loss of respect. For one it shows him you have no room to let his opinion matter. Two when you talk at him it usually can eventually feel condemning like he isn't good enough. And third, when you talk with him instead of at him it's easier to resolve the conflict you may have with him or something he has done. He is more apt to find a way to fix and deal with the problem than become defensive and angry and not want to change a thing.

3) Be gently honest. If he asks you for an opinion be honest, with gentleness. There is a difference in just letting your tongue go and saying "well it's the truth." or "if the shoe fits wear it," sort of mentality. If you want to keep that place in his heart that he gave only to you and you want it to grow, not harden, don't be mean. Even if it's something you feel needs to be said say it in a way that shows you respect him. Think before you speak so you can plan your words to come out as encouraging not degrading so that he knows you have his best interests in mind.

4) Stop criticizing him. That is a hard one for many of us. Even if we do not complain about him to our friends we often have a hard time not criticizing him to his face or thinking bad things about him in our minds. When we ponder inwardly what we are upset about it then eats at us and causes us to get more angry with him. Find positive things to say, not fake positive, no one likes a fake. Tell him he looks nice in his shirt, or that you like the way he helps you out around the house. And do the compliments without adding on a but, or a could you now do this for me? Often times as women we are quick to say a compliment then follow it up with a, but I wish you would do this. Or "You look so nice today thanks babe, would you mind taking out the garbage this morning like I asked you to last night?" Just leave a compliment as a compliment and let him soak it in like you enjoy when he does it for you.

5) Be open to him and that means, yes to all accounts where your brain takes you on being open. No one wants a wife who refuses to be intimate him  mentally, physically and emotionally. He married you because he loves all of you, so get over yourself and enjoy being pampered by the guy who wants to have it all.

6) Remember that when he is not with you, you are resembling him as well. Even if you are not talking about him at all people are going to either think highly of your husband by the way you act or they are going to think negatively about him.. You want your husband to feel honored to have you by his side, honored you are his bride. There are few greater feelings of pure happiness for me than when my husband has told me he feels way more confident in public when I am by his side than when I am not there. If you are an embarrassment in public places he is going to feel less confident of who he is when you are there with him. So carry yourself with dignity, respect and love. Speak kindness to all those you meet so that he can be proud to call you his wife at all times, not worrying that you may have privately offended someone.

Now, I have only been married almost 7 years. I am no expert on marriage, but I have found that there is a difference between just doing whatever my husband says, which is what I literally tried to do the first few months of our marriage (anyone who knows me knows this is NOT my personality so that failed miserably) I soon thought I was a failure of a wife because I had an actual opinion on stuff and I felt the need to share it. Your husband, if you can learn to talk with him and be open with him and real and not condemn him, will be more open minded to hearing your ideas instead of feeling like he is never good enough, like he never is allowed to have an opinion or that he is always wrong in your eyes. If he knows that you have wisdom(which we have all been blessed with at least in some small amount), and he knows you have his and your best interest in mind, he will be more open to seeking your advice and sharing in making decisions together.

If your husband has heard your idea and he has chosen to take a different option then as a wife it is not your job to tell him what an idiot he is for making that choice. This will go against all grain of natural character but it is true. If he knows you can stand beside him even when you don't always agree and he knows you trust him to make the right decisions for you and him and your family then he is more likely to come back to you and ask for your opinion the next time he needs it or desires your input. Do NOT hang anything he may have screwed up over his head the next time he comes to you. The point in submitting is actually the point of respect. When you respect your husband you extend grace to his mistakes and you forgive.

And never, never never never, (Get the picture?) Never NEVER NEVER NEVER ok so NEVER EVER say something like this, which I have often heard, "when he starts loving me the way Christ loves the church I'll start treating him with respect and submitting."  Truth is ladies, your husband is NOT Jesus Christ. Jesus may live inside your husband and may influence your husbands decisions but your husband is not on this side of earth ever going to be an exact replica of Jesus Love to the church when it comes to how he treats you. Let's face it Jesus is God's Son, He is the only one who is fully able to comprehend the kind of love He has for His church.

As far as what some people portray what they think submission is, they need to take a new look in the Bible and read again. Submission works only when there is a true respect. Forcing a woman to be submissive the way some men talk about is just not even close to loving, it is degrading and they treat their dogs better than that and it earns them little to no respect. But, as women, we are shown by Jesus Christ how to submit. Jesus was open always with the Father God and He followed his orders right up to the cross knowing and trusting the Father to have it all planned perfectly for Him. We can follow Jesus example of submission and know we are following the one who submitted himself best of anyone. If we can resemble Jesus Christ to our husbands in turn they can and often without knowing it, will also treat us more as Jesus would with love, just like we want.

Don't play the blame game of I don't do this because he doesn't blah blah blah. If you want to have the true Biblical sense of respect for your husband the way God commands then we must learn to put our husband first before ourselves and our selfish I am always right moments.

I am not an expert in always treating my husband 100% with this type of submission. I am as human as any other woman. I like being right, I occasionally loose my cool and temper, I am not always kind and I don't always have my act together. I do not always practice the way of talking with my husband instead of at him. But I can say the longer I have been married and the more I work on these types of showing submission to him the happier I have become because when I am doing the right thing I have let go of my selfish desires to do things my way and attempted to put him and his happiness first knowing God is leading my husband and I have to trust his leading.

The perfect mom for your kids is YOU!

This is to all you Mommy's who are stressed out, overly self cynical, self-doubting, and constantly over comparing yourself to other Moms.

You need to take a breather! You need to sit down! Relax! Get off social media for a day or two! Get off pinterest! Get your head out of other people's homes! And Embrace your babies, those cute little cuddly bundles of joy that seem to be growing up faster than you can think. Stop! STOP comparing yourself to the world around you with what they think a good mom is and just be who YOU ARE!

God created each of us ladies to be something uniquely different. We are all special. We are all different personalities and traits and back grounds. We all have different ideas and we all have different skill levels. But yet somehow many of us fall into a trap of comparing ourselves to the women and mom's around us. Thinking we will never measure up to them. But you want to know something cool?! You are RIGHT you won't! You aren't them! You never have been, never will be. You don't have their past, you don't have their present, you don't even have their future! How awesome is that? That means you are free to go about being YOU!

Your kids want you to be just who you are. You see God intended YOU to be the exact parent to those specific children. Your friends, your mother, your mother-in-law, your sister, your sister-in-law; they may all be great mom's or replicas of good moms but that doesn't mean they were the right mom for your kids. If they were the right mom for your kids then God would have given them your kids and not you. It's ok to embrace who you are, to be exactly the kind of mom you want and were created to be; imperfections and all.

This means that just because your mom had a spotless house while you were growing up doesn't mean you have to have one just like it. Or just because your friend has a home that looks like it came straight out of a Better Homes and Garden catalog, doesn't mean that you are suppose to too. Every one of us moms is just as different as every one of our kids. For instance, one of my good friends she is such a neat freak! Love her to pieces, but I am not a neat freak. She even apologizes for having a messy home when on a good day of mine my home is never that good looking and organized and she thinks her house is a mess? Does that make her a bad mom? Nope! Does it make me a bad mom because I am not that organized? Nope! It just means we are different. Not only is she in a different phase of life right now but she is also a completely different person than I am. I'm ok that her home looks good and she is comfortable living in it. But I also don't care if her home is messy or clean I wouldn't even notice the specific cleanliness to her home if she never mentioned it to me.

As a mom in today's world with pictures of our friends homes being paraded around in-front of us on every social media site thinkable we often have a hard time not comparing ourselves to them. From house cleaning, to cooking and baking, to raising kids and even dating our spouse we often can see where we may lack on the awesome meter. Frankly it can be super degrading if we constantly find ourselves looking around at everyone else's life. But let's be real for a second, most people only post the fun times on Facebook and twitter no one posts the bad pictures where the kids are crying more than they are smiling. They don't post photos of them and their spouse when they are in a heated argument and they don't post pictures of any dinner that they burned and the McDonald's they had to opt for because their kids were starving and they were done trying to be awesome mom!
      turns into

We all see it everywhere. We all compare on a regular basis to everyone because we want everyone to think we are just as awesome all the time as we see portrayed in-front of our eyes.  But here is a little secret. When people tell me they look up to me as a mom, wife, or any other aspect I see it as a compliment but I also don't want them doing that. Why? (this is my secret) Because I don't have it all together! I don't have all the answers for me and my family let alone the ability to help someone else really pull theirs together. If you lived with me as a fly on the wall you would see the truth of my life. I freak out on my kids, I have screamed at them but I also love on them with hugs and kisses.  I am not the perfect wife or homemaker. I am far from the picture perfect idea of a good mom. But, I have learned to embrace that I am who I am. And guess what?  My hubby and kids they love me no matter how good I am at cooking or cleaning or keeping up with Mrs. Jones. I am far from a perfect mom. I don't do craft projects with them anymore for the simple fact I am a perfectionist at craft time and if it doesn't look like I would do it then I get overly frustrated and yell at them, which turns craft time into not fun time.

See my talents don't' lie in teaching my kids crafts or drawing. I can't teach them things like that because it's overly frustrating for my brain and then when all is said and done I feel terrible for having pushed my kids to do something my way, they are gloomy because they upset me and didn't mean too and tried their hardest and frankly I just don't do it. It's pointless to try and do projects because it is more fun to just get out he color crayons at my house and we can all color our own pictures and spend time together that way. It doesn't make me a bad mom because I don't do crafty things, personally I hope it makes me a wiser mom for finally realizing it's pointless in our home and it saves on hurt feelings and angry words being said. I have learned to accept the fact that I can't change my personality, meaning craft time probably will never happen at my home, and frankly I am ok with that. My kids are not going to grow up as unable to enter society just because I decided to save them from crabby moments of crafting projects.

However, on a good note, I can bake and I love to do baking time with my kids. I love having them help me. But the cool thing is I know another mom who can't figure out how I even let my kids in the kitchen let alone help me bake. It doesn't make either of us bad mom's we are both just given different skill sets.

The point here is that we are all different. As mom's we all need to embrace who we are. Not look and see that everyone else has it together or Martha has a cleaner home than Mary. We need to realize that while we were busy doing stuff with our kids and they become who they are suppose to be the other mom's are busy doing what they are doing for their kids so they can become who they are suppose to be. Each mom has their own set of abilities and those children need those abilities to become exactly who God intends them to be while on this planet. Be excited you are not the same as your friend.

It's time to start being ok with you, stop being embarrassed of who you are when you look in the mirror and you don't see the reflection of a neat, well organized, always on time, perfectly made dinner every night, best tempered mom. Instead find out who you are, find out what works best for you. And though you may find other peoples opinions and ideas to work for some things don't forget to put your own twist to them. No one has all the answers for raising your kids, keeping your home, how to cook the right foods, and how to make it all work. We all lead different lives, with different people in them and different circumstances surrounding them. Find out what works for you and your family and go with it. What makes you and your family function to the best of it's ability is what is right for you.  And trust me the whole of what you do will NEVER be the exact same for anyone else, that is what makes your specific family unique.

It's ok to sit back, relax and breath a bit. Your children will thank you, your spouse will thank you and for sure your own heart will thank you. Stop trying to keep up with everyone else's ideas of who you should be and just be who you are. It will be the most rewarding thing you have ever done for your family and for yourself! Your kids NEED you to be YOU not an idea of what you think everyone else thinks you should be. The perfect mom for your kids IS YOU!

God has a reason for your pain (even years of pain).

Everyone has a story. Some of us are blessed with 'easy' stories. Easier walks of life. Some of us are blessed with 'hard' stories or the stories that seem to burden us and others when we share them. But we all have a story and a specific one for a purpose. I remember growing up and feeling some pains in life that I thought I was the only one who felt them. I felt alone, depressed, and upset a lot of my years from about 10years old to when I graduated high school and even up to as far as the last few years of my life. I felt like I had been dealt a bad hand in life and I was to suffer through it. I saw no purpose in the suffering. I saw no purpose in my story. I didn't even see my life as a story I saw my life as something that no one noticed, something that would pass away without a care in the world.

I didn't think most people would miss me if I was gone. Honestly we moved from place to place so much growing up I was certain no one would miss me if I didn't exist. But somehow, I kept on living. Living the mundane life over and over again. Wondering exactly what my purpose was for this earth. What God had in store for me. Was I just suppose to live life completely and utterly depressed for the rest of my days? Was I suppose to continue to wallow and wonder if there was a true existence? Was pretending that everything was ok, and being sweet to people and talking about what I knew about Jesus and God good enough to get me into those pearly gates I so longed to see day in and day out?

To say I felt no better off than a lost person would not be an exaggeration. Every day I remember waking up thinking; "Wonder if I get to catch a break today or if something else will add to my misery and my negative existence of life?" I seriously felt like the person God had made to more or less punish. I felt like all the people around me were being praised by their parents even when they weren't trying to be awesome kids, and I was the kid that tried her butt off and failed every time. I felt so often like God had made me just to be a butt of a joke or something. I did not by any means frequently feel His love, or His joy. Most days, I felt like He was some big monster that enjoyed playing dolls and some dolls He liked cuz they were pretty and smart and other dolls He made them out to be ugly and stupid just so He has something to be mean too and I was one of the rare yet ugliest and dumbest of them all.

Honestly for most of my life I have never had a good view of God. I mean trust me I know what the Bible says, I grew up in a Christian home, I went to two different Christian colleges where they force you to take Bible classes. I even signed up to take Bible classes and not because "I felt God urging me to do it." No, I signed up for those classes 1) because it was mandatory and 2) to please the mom and dad and hopefully make it look good to the people I was around. I figured if I could fool them all into believing I was a nice Christian girl then maybe I could convince God I wasn't half bad either and all this stuff He kept throwing at me that felt like he hated me and just wanted to see me fail, and see me give up.

Now off and on there were good times, but they didn't last often, and honestly I had a hard time keeping my focus on those good times. I had a hard time feeling like I wasn't catching more than a breather for two seconds before it felt like my head was being stuck back under a running faucet as big as a bucket and I had to try and find ways to breath without drowning.

I tried so hard to find out who God was. I tried to reach him. And though I don't believe for a second I was unsaved, I do believe that I had somehow conjured up a very very poor image of who God was. I honestly for the world thought God was out to get me, out to push me to my limits. As I continued to try and grow in my faith I was thinking he was more or less pushing me to the limits to try and help me grow in my faith. Trials make you grow, so honestly I started adapting to the thought that God was just continually pushing me to make me grow spiritually. To continually test me to see if I really would break under the pressure. It was like each thing was another test for me to see if I truly trusted Him with my life. Many days just seemed like a blur I felt for so long like I was still drowning. I was gasping for breaths of air, pieces of hope when I could find them to keep me just hanging on to a thread.

I still saw God as all powerful! HE was HUGE he was big, he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and he answers to no one. He has free reign to do whatever he wants with each person, me, my husband, my kids, my friends. And I always worried I was going to loose someone I held dear just because I felt that was how God was going to try and 'break' my will to hang onto him. Honestly when it comes down too it most of the time I felt like God was trying to find a way to get me to let go of him, like maybe he really just didn't want me in heaven and he was throwing all this negative stuff in life my way just to try and push me further away.

You see I saw God in such a twisted light that even currently still on days where I am feeling low I have to really relive the story for myself of the truth I have come to find. I still sometimes view him as the big ugly monster who just wants to hurt certain people and wants to pick on us when he himself is having a rough day or feels like playing a joke on someone.

But My story is just that. I have my own story. It is somewhat sad in spots, even down right depressing. Most psychologists, and other people I have opened up to about certain things will directly tell you I have a legit reason to be depressed, I have real issues in my past. And for a while, I honestly let those issues (especially during my pregnancies) eat at me. I let them be the reasons I wouldn't go out. They would be the reasons I tried to have people feel sorry for my past.

But then, it finally hit me even during my last pregnancy, my story, parts of it really really suck! But the point isn't about the fact that I have a bad past. The point is the fact God, in all his power, allowed every single one of those bad things to happen to me. He allowed the people who harmed me to do so, he allowed the circumstances to eat me up inside. He allowed all the thoughts I had to continually run through my head for a purpose.

You see God, though I don't think anymore that he is a sick and mean and cruel God, He does allow bad things to happen to people. He allows bad things to happen to innocent children. He allows so much to go on, not because he doesn't care, but because He knows who He created. God created my story, a special story, just for me all for myself to be uniquely and genuinely real, so that my previous pain could not only affect my future, but in turn touch other's future and bring them hope when they see none. My story may just be a point in another persons hurting world where just like me they feel that they can barely catch a breath of air, but it's just enough air to be able to hold through the pain a little longer in the hope that one day there is a brighter future.

My years and years and years of depression where not because God has a cruel and wicked sense of humor. My years and years and years of sorrow and hurt were for a purpose, so one day I would find healing in the Power, I would find a way to grab God's hand and rise above the pain, and share the story He created just for me. I am to encourage someone else in this world. God is not cruel, but He does have a plan for your pain. You just have to trust Him He's going to reveal Himself to you on a brighter side, in a place that if you are willing to rise above will bring ultimate glory to Him. The purpose for my story of pain was in the end to Glorify Himself in ways I may never see or understand.  And yes, somehow that makes it all worth it, because I know that everything I went through wasn't for nothing it was for something bigger than me.

You may wonder, well how do I feel about God now? Honestly on bad days when I feel myself sinking into a depressed state of mind if I do not stop  myself I get right back to where I was wondering why I exist and is he truly a loving and caring God. But thankfully most days I can stop the thought process from spiraling. I can not say that God is cruel when I know I have seen the hand reaching to my life to lift me out of my depressed emotional state. I look to the Bible and know that the loving God I read about made those promises for me just as much as he did for all the other people in the world. He will never leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:8)   He has plans to prosper you, plans for hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11) God IS FOR YOU NOT AGAINST YOU!!!(Romans 8:31)  if you can claim those truths found in scripture then it's easier to know that any circumstance may be a testing of faith, but it is also a story of victory in the end that will glorify God.

Romans 8:35-39

 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?  (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.” No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I don't trust God with Everything

A little over a week ago I was blessed to be able to hang out with two very Godly Christian women. They are friends that I appreciate all the time as they are usually straight forward and they put up with my shenanigans, on many occasion even help me through some of my own personal struggles and issues. This night of hanging out with these two was no different. I had a mental break through on a few points of things but none as important as the truth of my trust in God.

It's clear that when we are a 'good Christian' we admit to trusting God with everything. But truth be told we might not. That's right you heard me, we might NOT trust God! Otherwise why would we worry, ever?!? Why would we question things so often?!?! and Why would we become grouchy when things don't go the way we thought they would?

It's easy, the truth is we trust God, just maybe not with everything. For instance I finally put into words my lack of trust in the area I have. You see when God took this little boy away with cancer that I use to nanny I learned to fear God, but it wasn't in the sense of a healthy fear of the Lord that we are told to have. No, mine was a fear of knowing that with my own children God could, if He so chose, to do the same or worse, or maybe only half as bad to my children. It freaks me out! I am not going to lie, though I don't think in my head that He is going to do that, but the fear is still there and the lack of trust also remains. But bottom line to all this, I don't trust that God doesn't have plans to harm my kids.

Putting that into words sounds almost unholy, but honestly it's freeing. My first thoughts were to never say something like that out loud because it doesn't sound "Christian." But how untrue. And then as we were talking one of my friends mentioned that how heartbroken God must be that we don't fully trust, we as in she admitted she also has issues with full trust. (I felt in good company no worries) She mentioned that if one of her children where to say that to her that she would be utterly crestfallen. And it hit me because deep down I didn't agree with that one but I do see where she is coming from so not that she is wrong. And before I sound like an uncaring mother I'll tell you why I didn't agree:

You see many times our children don't trust us! They don't say this with their words because lets face it, most of our little ones at least mine don't fully understand the word trust, so they don't use it. But, here is an example of my child not trusting me. I told my 2 year old to jump one day off something and I told him I would catch him and he wouldn't get hurt. He started crying and said 'no' and never jumped. Was my mama's heart torn in two that he didn't trust me? No, actually it wasn't because I understood that there was a reason to fear, the fear I wouldn't catch him and he would get hurt. So, instead of having him jump I gently picked him up like he was jumping softly brought him down.
Then there is an instance with my 4 year old just yesterday, he had a hang nail (which he hadn't had before) and I told him I would take care of it. He wouldn't let me touch his hand in fear that I was going to hurt him even though I told him I wouldn't. He went through the whole day moving his hand away from me not letting me touch his hand because he didn't trust my word.When the hang nail was removed and he realized it was finally gone I asked if there was pain, and he said, "nope, I didn't even know it was gone." My response, "Well, next time you should trust me." But, when I thought about it yesterday I wasn't hurt by his actions, for in the prospect that their may be pain, there is always fear. When fear is present there is a lack of trust.

I am the same way with God. Though he wants me to trust him and He tells me "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give you hope and a future." Even though I know these things my heart can still see the possibility that things won't go as planned that things may fail, that even though He promises to take care of me there is still the fear of the unknown, the what if's and so on. It doesn't excuse my times of failure to reach out and trust, but to God, much like I understand my children as a parent and try to sympathize with them with their lack of trust for me, He also sympathies and understands when we fear. He knows our hearts that want to be trusting but yet have a difficult time of letting go of some things. God knows, and I believe He even understands my fears. God reaches out and helps me out both when I trust and when I don't have it 100% there. And usually that small voice speaks when He has accomplished to show me it'll be o.k with the same words I say to my sons, "well, next time you should trust me." It's not demeaning or rude or even harsh, it's just simply stated the way I would say it to my son.

So, wither you are willing to admit with your voice that you don't trust God in certain areas of your life, your actions speak just as loud to God as your words. Just like my children don't know how to say, "mom I don't trust you," their actions on both stories I mentioned above proved that they didn't believe me, they didn't trust me. Was it hurtful, no not really I am ok with the fact that my kids don't always see what I see, or comprehend the way I comprehend parts of life. God, is no different of a loving Heavenly Father, as our Heavenly parent who cares, He sees our reluctance, our movements, our lack of faith. He see's our lack of trust in Him, no matter how we try to portray to the rest of the world that we are fully a trusting Christian, He knows the truth wither you admit it or not.

But honestly, put it into words where you don't trust God, tell Him about it.  Confess it. Even though you won't be healed over night, you will be healed of your fear. God appreciates honesty from you more than pretending or saying you trust Him with it all, when He knows your heart and you deep down know the truth, you just don't quiet trust Him with everything! Trusting God with everything isn't easy to do, no matter how much someone may try to convince you that it is. God understands, He knows our fears, He knows our hearts and He knows that He is good even if we don't fully trust and comprehend that! And though I may not trust God with my kids 100% I do trust HE is GOOD and somehow no matter what He takes me through He will be exulted through it!

Shopping with your toddlers

So lately I have been seeing all these blogs about parenting letters to people who are not parents. And I am not going to lie I have indulged in a good reading of one or two of them but bottom line, they all say pretty much the same thing. They are letters to people who think they know how to control a toddler, child or baby.  They are explaining what as a parent you know and go through during your shopping process so that the person who doesn't have kids, or forgot what it’s like to have kids can get a grip.

I have been in those shoes and trust me it’s not easy being a parent.  They are right, it sucks that sometimes you have to take your little ones to the store and they are going to cry the whole cart ride through the store and mess up everyone’s evening by being too loud with their screaming and fit throwing. I guess I am a parent that normally does not indulge in thinking or caring what the other shoppers around me are thinking.

Maybe I am a bad co-shopper. I really couldn't care less if my 2 year old starts screaming for no reason while I am out. Sure I can tell him to be quiet but honestly that isn't going to work and anyone who knows anything about kids really knows that. So no matter what people say, or how long they stare at you who cares? I mean it! Really! who cares?

So your kid is embarrassing you?  Trust me, there are going to be millions of times where you are going to embarrass them, actually you probably already have they just don't voice it. My advice to parents who seem to need to have an explanation for what is happening in the store is this; MOVE ON!! Accept that this is going to happen and let your kid be a kid. I’m not saying let it get out of hand but honestly don’t get embarrassed or feel that you need to explain yourself and hopes that the onlooker is going to understand that your kid just does that sometimes because HE’S NORMAL!!!!  Your kid needs to know they are accepted and loved by you no matter where you are at, no matter who is watching and no matter what they are doing during those times.

I am a parent to three wonderful children and at some point all of them have let loose with some form of screaming fit in public and usually not in the best of circumstances. They always know the exact worst time and place to throw a fit. Honestly with my first born I reacted and cared about the stares that people threw my way, or the people passing by who mumble under their breath to take my kid back home so they could be in peace. All while trying to make it look like I am maintaining some sort of order and my son knew that I was terribly embarrassed by his behavior.  I would be frustrated while trying to maintain my cool that I didn't feel inside but wanted others to see.  But my disapproval for him was not only in my look but in my tones I would give him while talking to him which in turn made him react even worse.

As baby #2 was born I started reacting less to those stares, those people who randomly came by and mumbled something. I tried to maintain my poise and control. I still cared inside that I was affecting other shoppers but I never really reacted much to the stares anymore because I was starting to realize that my kids were acting up because of the simple fact that, well, they are kids!  It’s what they do! Just because they act up once or twice while out in public doesn't make me a bad parent and it doesn't make them a bad kid either.

By the time my daughter was born, baby #3, I had figured out that it was more effective to just stare back or even laugh (it really ticks off the people who think you need to do something to your child more than tell them to stop). I don’t care that my baby is interrupting your joyful shopping experience. If you wanted a quiet peaceful shopping trip go to a store that doesn't have toys, candy, chips or other forms of kids’ goodies being sold, you probably won’t find many toddlers and babies in there.  To react to these people like there is something you can do about the situation is rather stupid. To give into them is rather a dumb choice on the parent’s part don’t take your kid out tell them to come back at a decent hour when kids are sleeping if they want peace and quiet. I want my kids to know that though I don’t approve of fit throwing I do approve of them as a person.  I don’t want my kid to think that my image to others is more important than they are.

Trying to forcefully gain control with an on looking crowd is more difficult than most people think. You never know who is watching.  It’s either the parent that thinks you should wallop your kid in public for such behavior or you have the other someone who might at any moment call social services on you for handling a kid possibly a little too rough when you pick them up off the floor to put them in the cart. Either way you can’t win. Either choice you make is always going to displease someone looking on. So it’s easier to just face facts that you are bound to upset a person by bringing your kids out in public because chances are good  they are going to throw a fit, and if you have more than one they are probably going to do it in unison at some point.

I don’t want my kids to think they need to wonder around being perfect angels in fear that they are going to upset me and think “mom is going to ‘blow’ again because she lost control of the situation and I am embarrassing her.” I’m not saying I let my kids run amuck when shopping either but truth is I really don’t care about the stand by person who is judging my parenting choices on how I let my kids act when in public. Honestly I am not in the mood to try and impress anyone when I am out trying to get shopping done if anything I am trying to have fun with my kids as much as humanly possible and I know that the fit is only temporary so why waste my whole day going back home to appease the annoyed shopper?

So to all the parents out there trying to make excuses or explain why you go shopping with your kids, don’t let the people get under your skin. Don’t let the stupid stares of people who don’t matter get to you. And if they start saying something about your child’s behavior (because lets admit there are several hundred people out there with free parenting opinions and advice for you) comment back. It doesn't have to be mean, but hey if they are being rude to you it’s o.k to stand up for yourself, and your kid(s). The world is full of people around every corner judging your every move, don’t let the people who don’t mean a thing to you or your kids impact the way you are or make you feel guilty for needing a shopping trip to get groceries, or clothes, or toys or just out because you needed out of the house.

When your kid is 18 you are going to still look at them with that proud parent glance and you won’t even remember the tantrums they might have thrown in the middle of Target. And those people who were annoyed, if they make you think you are ruining their day remember your kid isn't ruining their day; their day was already ruined before you entered it so don’t let them fool you. Don’t let those people ruin your fun filled day with their opinion that in the end doesn't matter. Have fun with your kids and stop being embarrassed for your kid doing what is only natural for kids to do.