15Rules for Building a Strong Marriage

My husband and I have been married a little over 6 1/2 years. And though that is not a long time to many in the lines of marriage I do believe there is still something to be said for what we have learned in the last 6 1/2 years of being bound together.

Last night we were on a date and I started thinking about all the things we do that I love that help keep us bound together so figured I would put the list together. It's nothing new for many to hear but some things some of us need to be reminded of.


1) Marry your best friend! Even on the days when marriage is tough Matt is still the one I want to talk to about everything, even if it's a pit in the marriage.

2) Make sure you agree on a few facts before you say the big 'I Do'
             a) Your faith in Jesus Christ. You both must be equally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14) This is the bond and foundation that will keep your marriage stronger than you can imagine through the best and worst of circumstances.
             b) The number of kids you would like to have. I have seen plenty of marriages get into a frenzy because after they were married the wife realizes that the hubby dearest doesn't want any children. (this could happen the other way around too) To add to that make sure you talk about forms of how you would discipline your child. You don't want to find out that one of you believes in spankings while the other one believes it's a form of child abuse (that could end badly)
             c) Money. Before you get married I highly recommend taking a course on finances together and being blatantly honest with each other about your own money habits and those that you see in your spouse. My husband and I do our money together. Everything we do we talk over with each other, bills, shopping. Yes I even tell him about the little $2 thing I get because he's going to find out about it any way when we sit down together to do the bills and check book balancing. I hide nothing when it comes to spending and he does the same. This keeps us on the same page of where we are financially from month to month. If one of you is better than the other at keeping track of bills make sure that person is in charge of it but always do it together so you end on the same page. It saves in arguments, TRUST ME!

   -Remember you won't agree on everything but these three things I believe are something that you should have with similar priorities.

3) Date EACH OTHER!! Even after you are married make it a priority. My husband and I have had issues with this for many different reasons but the two main reasons have been financial and the fact that when babies are babies you have to find baby sitters and people to watch your child so you can go out not always easy.  When we didn't have money or a baby sitter we would do date nights together at home after the baby(s) were in bed. Meaning a nice snack night with some wine and games or just watching a movie and cuddling. Anything that is exclusive just the two of you without the interruptions of phones and computers. Keeping it simple and romantic while staying in is sometimes the best nights. Though I love going out with my husband and dressing up for him there are times where just relaxing together at home has been the best times of getting to know him.

4) Say "I love you." It's not just an assumed you married me I know you love me kind of thing at our house we say it to each other several times a day.

5) Kiss often! My husband kisses me before he leaves for work, even if I am sleeping he wakes me up to kiss me good-bye. Any time either of us leaves the house we kiss good-bye. Any time he gets home from work we kiss. We kiss often and we don't care who is around. If I feel like leaning over and kissing him while we are in public I do it.

6) Flirt! For heavens sake be flirty and funny and exciting like you where when you were trying to get each others attention before you got married. Flirting is one of the funnest ways for me to know my husband still loves me. My personal #1 love language is physical touch. I love when he gets hands on flirty and yes we even do this in front of our kids (not too extreme). Though I am sure one day they are going complain that dad and mom hold hands and kiss and tickle each other it's ok it's good for them to see you interact and know what love is that it is NOT to be a hidden behind closed doors only kind of thing.

7) Argue. Ok so maybe some people don't like that term, you can 'disagree' if you like that term better. But be open about things that you don't agree about. You don't have to like something or go along with it just because your spouse thinks it's a good idea. Sometimes the best way to grow closer to each other is to actually have an opinion about something and share your opinion. I'm not saying an all blow out fight (though lets me honest those do happen on occasion) but argue your points of view but do so FAIRLY!! Do not be mean in your opinion. There is a difference in arguing because you have to win and arguing because you think you have a very valid point that you feel you need to get across.

8) Apologize. The words "I'm Sorry" should be said often to each other when you know you have done something wrong or said something wrong. Apologizing to your spouse can go a long way in the game of marriage.  But if you are in the right there is still an apology needed if you were a little more hot headed than you needed to be to get your point across (I may have been guilty of this during more than one or two times in my marriage)

9) Forgive. It's easy to hold onto the fact that you think you are right. But if you don't forgive your spouse for the things he/she does you are going to become bitter and cold towards them. Which this lands you in no where good. If you are having a hard time forgiving them go back to #1 If you are married your best friend you can talk about it with them. Put aside the fact that they are the one you are married too and just tell them flat out. When you value a relationship you work hard to make it work, that means keeping the air clear of all past mistakes.

10) Pray. Pray together. Pray for each other. Pray often for your marriage to stay strong and healthy. Just make sure you pray. God is the number one person in your marriage and He has more power over you both than you think.

11) Serve together. Homeless shelter, missions work, in your church somewhere just serve together. It gives you simple glimpses of each others hearts when dealing with others.

12) Learn together. I love learning new things with my husband. We spend time learning together at church and at home by listening to other sermon series or talk radio shows that are helpful for us personally. This is a great way to bond. It helps give you something deeper than every day stuff to talk about and helps you both understand how and where you can encourage each other to grow.

13) Alone time.  This is important for both in the marriage to get. You may be married to your best friend but you need your own space once in a while and so do they. Make sure there are times designated to personal space.

14) Have friends. It's important to have good friends outside of the marriage that you both respect and care for. My husband and I have a few couples that we are close with. We get a lot of our advice from them and they help to keep Matt and I encouraged in our marriage and in other areas of our life. It's important to keep these types of friendships they are the ones where much Godly wisdom will come when you may be having issues.

15) Respect. This idea goes far. Not only does the Bible say women should give it to their husbands but also it's a great tool to have in your marriage either way. You need to have respect for the people your spouse doesn't like you hanging out with, especially if they are opposite gender or they think they are a terrible influence on your marriage.
Also the way you talk about your spouse is a form of respect. When you are talking to others make sure you do not cut them down or find ways to embarrass them, it's a great way to put a huge divot in your own marriage.
Treat each other with respect in public and in private.
Part of respecting your spouse is also being honest with them. This doesn't mean being rudely honest but being honest in a loving sort of way.

Completely Broken-God finally takes over

For a few years now I have been asking God to really help me work on an area in my life where I know I am completely having issues. But it wasn't till a couple months ago that He really seemed to slowly start answering this prayer. For the last several months I had really struggled with the fact I was still fighting this sin issue and no matter how hard I was trying to work on it, it seemed to be getting worse.

Now, does that mean God has for a few years caused me to struggle with a terrible sin issue of mine that I felt hopeless to deal with on my own? Well maybe. I think honestly, yes, he has. Now we all know God does not tempt us but I think sometimes He knows that just because we realize we have a sin problem doesn't mean our hearts are ready to work on it. Sometimes I think God waits for the exact right moment when we are truly ready for the change to even think about helping us with fixing the part of us we struggle with.

A few months ago I finally hit rock bottom. I hit my breaking point. I cried out so much and even verbally (this is big for me I usually cry but not to the point of yelling and being very verbal with God) for help because I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I couldn't control it on my own and I knew the only way I could fix my problem was if God stepped in. So I told him I was done trying to fix my own problem with or without his help I was just done trying. If He wanted it fixed He needed to help me out because I couldn't even attempt to find answers anymore to work on my problem. I was exhausted from trying and frankly the mental beating myself up after I would have an outbreak was more than I could keep taking.

I think God made me wait till I was to the point of utterly broken to step in and rescue me because I needed to have a 100% repentant heart. He needed me to hit the breaking point so that I truly relied on Him to show me what and how He needed to fix me. It was a good way to be sure I didn't step in and try and find ways to fix myself anymore.

I was to the point of utter failure and bottom of the bottom with it, so depressed because I finally realized I was getting no where with trying to spiritually aid myself out of my hole of anger. The pit was getting worse. The repercussions were becoming more real. And no matter how much I loved God and wanted things to be lived just perfectly for him the anger would sneak in daily and destroy all Joy I was finding in serving Christ.

 I hit rock bottom because I wasn't using God's way or His power, or even His will to deal with my constant battle with anger I was using self reliance and things I thought were the right answer. God needed me at that complete depressed state so I would throw my hands up completely, not just half way expecting a quick fix.

I know I have a long way to go before I am healed, before I can be fully in the understanding and other side of this. But, I do know without a shadow of a doubt that He IS in the process of showing me and gently leading me through the process of healing and finding ways to fix and deal with my issues.

 I can't believe how awesome it is to watch and see how God seriously has intervened in my life these last couple months to show me He is answering me. He just needed me to surrender the whole sin to Him so He could fix it all the way, not just put a band aid on it and cover up the problem until the next time I decided to blow.

It's a journey I look forward to. I can't wait to see how God is going to change me with this whole process. I have been waiting years and I mean years to be completely changed from this part of my life.  I had learned to accept it as just part of my life, figuring it was in my genes and something that just wouldn't change. It was part of my Italian DNA. I just had to accept I was sometimes a rotten person with a sever temper issue. But now I know better.

Now I know that God does care and He does want to help me change this and He is willing to aid me in showing me why He gave me these types of emotions more strongly than others. I am so excited to know the journey I have longed for is finally beginning. Just knowing that He is showing me and leading me down the path He is takes a weight off my shoulders.

 I also have learned one huge part that will I think help me that I hadn't accepted before and that to change this problem I need to give myself time. I need time to heal and time to make mistakes. It's not a fix that is going to just magically happen over night. Crazy to think God might just have been waiting to teach me how to control my temper/anger until I learned a little more patience with myself.

It's exciting to see God take my ashes now I get to watch as He finds a way to turn them into something beautiful for Him!

Your kids biggest bully lives in your house

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't really jump on the bandwagon with the whole bullying thing. Yes I agree that being mean is wrong, and I agree being physically harmful to someone is also extremely wrong. But I do also believe that kids will be kids and sometimes the things that come out of their mouth aren't them trying to be a bully it's just them being bigger than an adult because they are being honest, they just haven't learned to put a filter on their tongue properly yet because no one on the home-front has taught them how.

But, that being said I am on the bandwagon of pursuing that we stop bullying at home. Now, most people do not see themselves as a bully. Most parents don't want to think that there kids are being bullied in their own home. But lets face it, parents are the biggest bullies of them all.

As parents we have the biggest influences over who are children become now and later on in life. We are the ones that mentally harm them more often than their friends. And though they come to us for support and protection, many of them eventually stray away from the desire to run home for comfort because they start to think that even their own parents would agree with the hurtful words that may have come out of a friends mouth. They start feeling hurt by others words because it may not be the first time they have heard them, it may have been said in a different way behind closed doors but the meaning was the same. What hurts is when they start to believe the words, that is when the bullying starts to happen.

Here are a list of things you can watch yourself do at home that can be consistent with bullying:

1) Telling your child they are stupid. Now those words may sound harsh but there are the parents out there that tell their children that they are being: air headed; lazy, not trying hard enough, ect. You get the picture. All of these phrases spell out in a child's head that you don't think they are doing a good enough job, even if deep down they were trying in their own mind. Yes there may be room for improvement on grades, but try saying something positive once in a while and offering to truly and in a none upset voice help them each night. Sometimes kids just need to know that someone in their world thinks they are smart even if they aren't top of the class.

2) You are fat. Once again some parents may not say those exact words but they say something similar like; You should start watching what you eat you have a little extra weight around the middle. Or You should really start working out more you are getting a little on the thick side. or Are you really in that size of clothing I think we should start watching your diet a little closer.  All things that in a child's mind relate to that they are not the right size in the parents mind which in turn makes them feel like they aren't good enough again.

Or there is my personal favorite when mom's talk to other moms about their kids weight issues and they think somehow that the child sitting in the next room can't hear them. (this is even more humiliating than just saying it to their face because now you have exposed a 'fault' to another human being, they no longer feel safe.) I have been the mom being talked to before about someone's child's weight size and trust me I am not a fan I feel bad for their kid because I don't believe size makes a person who they are.

3) Telling your child they can't do something because they suck at it. Ok, so we may not tell our kids they suck but we are the first to get embarrassed if our kid is not the star on the team. Why try out if you aren't going to get to play that much? I have heard parents make phrases like that to their child which in turn tells them the parent thinks they are terrible.

 Here is the deal, how about letting them try out and just enjoy being on a team and feeling apart of something. In most cases the child already knows they aren't that good at the sport or something if the couch doesn't let them play that often. There is a good chance they already know they have room for improvement but might, heaven forbid, enjoy playing a game. Oh my a game would then just become a game again! Something to enjoy not something to freak out over if there is a loss or win.

4) Child neglect. Most people I know may not think of child neglect as a form of bullying but it is. Do you pay more attention to your phone than you do your child's homework? Are you on facebook, or twitter, or some other social media wasting time while your kids has been trying to get you to play a board game or read a book to them? Do you make them go do something alone so you can waste time on a device that doesn't actually care about you when you could be spending time building legos or teaching them to cook or sew?

Are you more interested in texting your friend or playing a game on your phone than you are spending time with your child and making sure they feel loved and special? And if they interrupt are you the one to freak out or maybe just be rude enough to tell them you are busy and to go away or just straight up ignore them?

The point is most of us as parents no matter the age of the kid are neglecting to actually spend the proper amount of time with our children due to being sucked in to electronic devices. Children think they rank after that phone or ipad you are constantly checking.  If you spend more time on your phone and tablet devices and other things than you do your child there is a really good chance you are neglecting your child. They then start to feel less and less drawn to you and more and more like a failure because you have given them a very sure signal that they will never be as interesting as you find your phone, computer, or other electronic thing that gets in the way of them bonding with you.


You don't have to worry about who is a bigger bully the kid on the play ground or the one at home because the one at home is the one who is with them for life. The kid on the play ground  is only lashing out at your child trying to find the right boundaries because their parents are at home teaching them the same thing as your child is learning. The bully at home is old enough to know better.

Kids only act the way they see their own parents act and other adults. Children are known for mimicking adults and older role models in their life. If you want your kid to stand out and be different and not act like a bully then it's time you stop acting like one to them.

 Only when you show your child how to be nice, be kind, be loving and go out of your way to make sure they are happy will your child then not be a bully to others. I know most of you think, not my kid!  My kids not a bully! Truth is most kids are a bully to someone at some point. They have all been taught in today's world how to be a bully before they ever meet their first friend. They watch mommy and daddy interact with each other, with them and with others and they replicate that to the rest of the wold when you aren't around to see.

If you want bullying to stop on the play ground and in the halls of the high schools then it's time to put a stop to the bullying that goes on in your own home!

To be miss church popular

I look around and I see women all over wishing they were like someone else. In the Christian church this is no exception. People want to be accepted. They want to be in the 'in crowed.' People always want to be hearing 'good job,' or 'thanks.' We like being on top, we like recognition. Most times the ones who get the constant recognition are envied by others who dream and wish to be that person or at least be as near like them as possible.

Women are dreaming of being someone else. They are from a young age told to find a role model to strive to be like. Problem is, most women have now taken that same concept into their adult life.  Most women don't learn to just find others who they may glean wisdom from to become stronger, confident,Christians. Instead most women are still looking for the person/people they think are good role models (or people they envy and wish they were) and they are trying to be exactly like them through and through.

This is a wrong way of teaching and a wrong way to think. Though many of those women may be flattered you find them to be so intriguing and inspiring, deep down they would pity you that you don't have a better model to look up too. (don't get me wrong there are women who would let this go completely to their heads too, but I hope those are not the types of women you are seeking to be like anyways)

If I ever found out someone wanted to be like me I would seriously laugh at them. Not because it's not a compliment that people say they wish they could be me, because it is. It's always flattering to hear someone say they wish they could be more like me. Or wish they had my life. But deep down I feel bad for them.

The truth is I want those people to not be anything like me. I want them to aim higher. I want them to have such a relationship with God that it makes mine look like kid stuff. I want people to have a heart for God that causes them to be a much better Christian and example to the world than I am.

I want people to be so enthralled in their own life in Christ that they realize he is the role model they want to be most like. I want them to have such a relationship with Him that when walking with Him one on one He will guide the heart to know exactly how to become that person He created them to be, instead of looking to someone to try and be exactly like.


If we had a heart that was truly devoted to God and serving and pleasing Him we wouldn't need to want to be someone else. We would be happy with exactly who we are and who God made us to be. We aren't suppose to be replicas of anyone other than Jesus Christ.  That may look different for each person. God created us all different with different talents, different genes, different frames of minds, different back grounds, and different personalities.
The only thing that should look identical in all Christians is the love portrayed, other than that everything is different.

 If God wanted you to be exactly like the person you envy and wish you were He would have made you them.

Embrace who you are in Jesus Christ. It's time to find out who you are, not who your friends are, not who the popular girl in church is. It's time to embrace loving yourself where you are at, where He placed you on this earth. The point is that none of your circumstances are like the person you look at and wish you were. None of your life will ever be like the people you envy because we are all so uniquely different there is no plausible way to be them.

The other truth of the matter is that you have no idea who they really are behind closed doors. You don't know who they where in the past and the struggles they went through to be were they are today.

Part of what you envy isn't their style or their popularity what you envy is their confidence, the sincere truth that they are confident in who they are. Those people love who God has created them to be and they have embraced it and are living it. They have stopped trying to be someone they aren't and become happy with where God has placed them and who He made them to be.

You can't be someone else's identical twin. You have to be you. God wants you to reach different people than the girl you envy and think is so popular and overly loved in the church. God wants you to reach the people He places in your life. You may be the only light of Christ some of those people are ever going to see.

Some of the people God wants you to influence don't see miss church popular as a light to them they may not even know or care who that person is. If you are busy trying to live in miss church popular's shoes you are going to miss all the opportunities God brings right to your door step.

He brings the exact people He wants and needs YOU to witness to and to be the encouragement to others who may need you to disciple them on their walk.

You may never be the popular girl in church. You may never be a Beth Moore, or  Lisa Bevere or some other famous female speaker/author. You may never get recognition for anything you do for Christ while on this earth. If you are living your life for Christ, for his happiness, then you will find that no amount of 'atta girl' is going to make you feel any better or worse from those around you. When you get to heaven you will be happy just knowing you made the King of Kings happy.

Stop living hoping that the other people in your life will embrace you, love you and want to hang out with you or think you now fit with them. The truth is; you never will fit with them the longer you run from who you are. The only time those people will seem to embrace you, is when you figure out who you are, not the type of person you think would impress them.

 And when you finally fit in with those people you won't care and you won't even notice because you will be happy living for God alone.

Be you!

Be unique!

Forget about the other Christians around you that you once thought you could never be. Get that right on out of your head because you are right! You can't be them!

You can only be you. Find it! Embrace it! and Go out and LIVE!!

And, if you do feel the need to have a mentor, which those are good to have, make sure you do pick someone God has for you. There are plenty of wise, Christian women out there who make wonderful mentors.

These are not people who are going to teach you to be like them but they will teach you wisdom that comes from age (that does not mean they are old, they may just be spiritually older, or sometimes stronger)  and from God. If you feel the need to have a role model (which is not a bad idea if you can refrain from trying to be their exact replica) ask God to bring you one or two people in your life that will be that shining light of wisdom and guidance that He wants added to your Christian walk to make your relationship with Him stronger.

The point in a mentor is to help guide you to be closer to God, not guide you to be just like them. A good mentor knows you are both so uniquely different that they can only encourage you and build you up closer to the Father, and that is their sole purpose.

Let God be the guide of your life, the love of your life, the light of your life the rest of life's details He will work out for you.