God has a reason for your pain (even years of pain).

Everyone has a story. Some of us are blessed with 'easy' stories. Easier walks of life. Some of us are blessed with 'hard' stories or the stories that seem to burden us and others when we share them. But we all have a story and a specific one for a purpose. I remember growing up and feeling some pains in life that I thought I was the only one who felt them. I felt alone, depressed, and upset a lot of my years from about 10years old to when I graduated high school and even up to as far as the last few years of my life. I felt like I had been dealt a bad hand in life and I was to suffer through it. I saw no purpose in the suffering. I saw no purpose in my story. I didn't even see my life as a story I saw my life as something that no one noticed, something that would pass away without a care in the world.

I didn't think most people would miss me if I was gone. Honestly we moved from place to place so much growing up I was certain no one would miss me if I didn't exist. But somehow, I kept on living. Living the mundane life over and over again. Wondering exactly what my purpose was for this earth. What God had in store for me. Was I just suppose to live life completely and utterly depressed for the rest of my days? Was I suppose to continue to wallow and wonder if there was a true existence? Was pretending that everything was ok, and being sweet to people and talking about what I knew about Jesus and God good enough to get me into those pearly gates I so longed to see day in and day out?

To say I felt no better off than a lost person would not be an exaggeration. Every day I remember waking up thinking; "Wonder if I get to catch a break today or if something else will add to my misery and my negative existence of life?" I seriously felt like the person God had made to more or less punish. I felt like all the people around me were being praised by their parents even when they weren't trying to be awesome kids, and I was the kid that tried her butt off and failed every time. I felt so often like God had made me just to be a butt of a joke or something. I did not by any means frequently feel His love, or His joy. Most days, I felt like He was some big monster that enjoyed playing dolls and some dolls He liked cuz they were pretty and smart and other dolls He made them out to be ugly and stupid just so He has something to be mean too and I was one of the rare yet ugliest and dumbest of them all.

Honestly for most of my life I have never had a good view of God. I mean trust me I know what the Bible says, I grew up in a Christian home, I went to two different Christian colleges where they force you to take Bible classes. I even signed up to take Bible classes and not because "I felt God urging me to do it." No, I signed up for those classes 1) because it was mandatory and 2) to please the mom and dad and hopefully make it look good to the people I was around. I figured if I could fool them all into believing I was a nice Christian girl then maybe I could convince God I wasn't half bad either and all this stuff He kept throwing at me that felt like he hated me and just wanted to see me fail, and see me give up.

Now off and on there were good times, but they didn't last often, and honestly I had a hard time keeping my focus on those good times. I had a hard time feeling like I wasn't catching more than a breather for two seconds before it felt like my head was being stuck back under a running faucet as big as a bucket and I had to try and find ways to breath without drowning.

I tried so hard to find out who God was. I tried to reach him. And though I don't believe for a second I was unsaved, I do believe that I had somehow conjured up a very very poor image of who God was. I honestly for the world thought God was out to get me, out to push me to my limits. As I continued to try and grow in my faith I was thinking he was more or less pushing me to the limits to try and help me grow in my faith. Trials make you grow, so honestly I started adapting to the thought that God was just continually pushing me to make me grow spiritually. To continually test me to see if I really would break under the pressure. It was like each thing was another test for me to see if I truly trusted Him with my life. Many days just seemed like a blur I felt for so long like I was still drowning. I was gasping for breaths of air, pieces of hope when I could find them to keep me just hanging on to a thread.

I still saw God as all powerful! HE was HUGE he was big, he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and he answers to no one. He has free reign to do whatever he wants with each person, me, my husband, my kids, my friends. And I always worried I was going to loose someone I held dear just because I felt that was how God was going to try and 'break' my will to hang onto him. Honestly when it comes down too it most of the time I felt like God was trying to find a way to get me to let go of him, like maybe he really just didn't want me in heaven and he was throwing all this negative stuff in life my way just to try and push me further away.

You see I saw God in such a twisted light that even currently still on days where I am feeling low I have to really relive the story for myself of the truth I have come to find. I still sometimes view him as the big ugly monster who just wants to hurt certain people and wants to pick on us when he himself is having a rough day or feels like playing a joke on someone.

But My story is just that. I have my own story. It is somewhat sad in spots, even down right depressing. Most psychologists, and other people I have opened up to about certain things will directly tell you I have a legit reason to be depressed, I have real issues in my past. And for a while, I honestly let those issues (especially during my pregnancies) eat at me. I let them be the reasons I wouldn't go out. They would be the reasons I tried to have people feel sorry for my past.

But then, it finally hit me even during my last pregnancy, my story, parts of it really really suck! But the point isn't about the fact that I have a bad past. The point is the fact God, in all his power, allowed every single one of those bad things to happen to me. He allowed the people who harmed me to do so, he allowed the circumstances to eat me up inside. He allowed all the thoughts I had to continually run through my head for a purpose.

You see God, though I don't think anymore that he is a sick and mean and cruel God, He does allow bad things to happen to people. He allows bad things to happen to innocent children. He allows so much to go on, not because he doesn't care, but because He knows who He created. God created my story, a special story, just for me all for myself to be uniquely and genuinely real, so that my previous pain could not only affect my future, but in turn touch other's future and bring them hope when they see none. My story may just be a point in another persons hurting world where just like me they feel that they can barely catch a breath of air, but it's just enough air to be able to hold through the pain a little longer in the hope that one day there is a brighter future.

My years and years and years of depression where not because God has a cruel and wicked sense of humor. My years and years and years of sorrow and hurt were for a purpose, so one day I would find healing in the Power, I would find a way to grab God's hand and rise above the pain, and share the story He created just for me. I am to encourage someone else in this world. God is not cruel, but He does have a plan for your pain. You just have to trust Him He's going to reveal Himself to you on a brighter side, in a place that if you are willing to rise above will bring ultimate glory to Him. The purpose for my story of pain was in the end to Glorify Himself in ways I may never see or understand.  And yes, somehow that makes it all worth it, because I know that everything I went through wasn't for nothing it was for something bigger than me.

You may wonder, well how do I feel about God now? Honestly on bad days when I feel myself sinking into a depressed state of mind if I do not stop  myself I get right back to where I was wondering why I exist and is he truly a loving and caring God. But thankfully most days I can stop the thought process from spiraling. I can not say that God is cruel when I know I have seen the hand reaching to my life to lift me out of my depressed emotional state. I look to the Bible and know that the loving God I read about made those promises for me just as much as he did for all the other people in the world. He will never leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:8)   He has plans to prosper you, plans for hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11) God IS FOR YOU NOT AGAINST YOU!!!(Romans 8:31)  if you can claim those truths found in scripture then it's easier to know that any circumstance may be a testing of faith, but it is also a story of victory in the end that will glorify God.

Romans 8:35-39

 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?  (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.” No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I don't trust God with Everything

A little over a week ago I was blessed to be able to hang out with two very Godly Christian women. They are friends that I appreciate all the time as they are usually straight forward and they put up with my shenanigans, on many occasion even help me through some of my own personal struggles and issues. This night of hanging out with these two was no different. I had a mental break through on a few points of things but none as important as the truth of my trust in God.

It's clear that when we are a 'good Christian' we admit to trusting God with everything. But truth be told we might not. That's right you heard me, we might NOT trust God! Otherwise why would we worry, ever?!? Why would we question things so often?!?! and Why would we become grouchy when things don't go the way we thought they would?

It's easy, the truth is we trust God, just maybe not with everything. For instance I finally put into words my lack of trust in the area I have. You see when God took this little boy away with cancer that I use to nanny I learned to fear God, but it wasn't in the sense of a healthy fear of the Lord that we are told to have. No, mine was a fear of knowing that with my own children God could, if He so chose, to do the same or worse, or maybe only half as bad to my children. It freaks me out! I am not going to lie, though I don't think in my head that He is going to do that, but the fear is still there and the lack of trust also remains. But bottom line to all this, I don't trust that God doesn't have plans to harm my kids.

Putting that into words sounds almost unholy, but honestly it's freeing. My first thoughts were to never say something like that out loud because it doesn't sound "Christian." But how untrue. And then as we were talking one of my friends mentioned that how heartbroken God must be that we don't fully trust, we as in she admitted she also has issues with full trust. (I felt in good company no worries) She mentioned that if one of her children where to say that to her that she would be utterly crestfallen. And it hit me because deep down I didn't agree with that one but I do see where she is coming from so not that she is wrong. And before I sound like an uncaring mother I'll tell you why I didn't agree:

You see many times our children don't trust us! They don't say this with their words because lets face it, most of our little ones at least mine don't fully understand the word trust, so they don't use it. But, here is an example of my child not trusting me. I told my 2 year old to jump one day off something and I told him I would catch him and he wouldn't get hurt. He started crying and said 'no' and never jumped. Was my mama's heart torn in two that he didn't trust me? No, actually it wasn't because I understood that there was a reason to fear, the fear I wouldn't catch him and he would get hurt. So, instead of having him jump I gently picked him up like he was jumping softly brought him down.
Then there is an instance with my 4 year old just yesterday, he had a hang nail (which he hadn't had before) and I told him I would take care of it. He wouldn't let me touch his hand in fear that I was going to hurt him even though I told him I wouldn't. He went through the whole day moving his hand away from me not letting me touch his hand because he didn't trust my word.When the hang nail was removed and he realized it was finally gone I asked if there was pain, and he said, "nope, I didn't even know it was gone." My response, "Well, next time you should trust me." But, when I thought about it yesterday I wasn't hurt by his actions, for in the prospect that their may be pain, there is always fear. When fear is present there is a lack of trust.

I am the same way with God. Though he wants me to trust him and He tells me "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm, plans to give you hope and a future." Even though I know these things my heart can still see the possibility that things won't go as planned that things may fail, that even though He promises to take care of me there is still the fear of the unknown, the what if's and so on. It doesn't excuse my times of failure to reach out and trust, but to God, much like I understand my children as a parent and try to sympathize with them with their lack of trust for me, He also sympathies and understands when we fear. He knows our hearts that want to be trusting but yet have a difficult time of letting go of some things. God knows, and I believe He even understands my fears. God reaches out and helps me out both when I trust and when I don't have it 100% there. And usually that small voice speaks when He has accomplished to show me it'll be o.k with the same words I say to my sons, "well, next time you should trust me." It's not demeaning or rude or even harsh, it's just simply stated the way I would say it to my son.

So, wither you are willing to admit with your voice that you don't trust God in certain areas of your life, your actions speak just as loud to God as your words. Just like my children don't know how to say, "mom I don't trust you," their actions on both stories I mentioned above proved that they didn't believe me, they didn't trust me. Was it hurtful, no not really I am ok with the fact that my kids don't always see what I see, or comprehend the way I comprehend parts of life. God, is no different of a loving Heavenly Father, as our Heavenly parent who cares, He sees our reluctance, our movements, our lack of faith. He see's our lack of trust in Him, no matter how we try to portray to the rest of the world that we are fully a trusting Christian, He knows the truth wither you admit it or not.

But honestly, put it into words where you don't trust God, tell Him about it.  Confess it. Even though you won't be healed over night, you will be healed of your fear. God appreciates honesty from you more than pretending or saying you trust Him with it all, when He knows your heart and you deep down know the truth, you just don't quiet trust Him with everything! Trusting God with everything isn't easy to do, no matter how much someone may try to convince you that it is. God understands, He knows our fears, He knows our hearts and He knows that He is good even if we don't fully trust and comprehend that! And though I may not trust God with my kids 100% I do trust HE is GOOD and somehow no matter what He takes me through He will be exulted through it!