The other day I was listening to a friend share part of her journey in life. She posed the question to herself at one point; "is Jesus really enough?" she was talking about being alone just her husband and kids after moving here a few years back and knowing no one. She started asking the question is Jesus enough to fulfill her?
I have thought long and hard over that question ever since that conversation. Of course my immediate response was "well of course." But then the more I thought about it the more I wasn't entirely sure I was being honest.
I took much satisfaction on having many things and being many things to many people.
So I started making a list of all the things I had and all the things I was apart of that made me feel complete, whole, and worth while.
After I made the list I started going through and crossing off things asking; would Jesus still be enough to fill me up without..." The car, the house, the things, even most of the people I was able to say def yes!
But then the list hit my heart, the things I hold close and care for; the ministries I am involved in, the God given gifts I've been blessed with, my kids; my husband. If I lost all those things would Jesus still be enough!? Would I still trust God and want a close relationship with him? Or do I find more satisfaction in being a wife, mother, teacher?
Though I want to say for sure "yes" I'm not sure that would be being 100% honest. Though I can agree I would still love Jesus and know he is my savior it doesn't mean I wouldn't get a little more than frustrated if I lost those things that bring "meaning" to my life.
Would Jesus really be my all in all? Is he really my everything? Or are those just pretty words I say?
I have come to one conclusion in all of this;
I may never be able to say a true yes to that but I can tell you without a doubt that God proved he loved me enough to give up everything for a relationship with me and to be honest I think that is what really matters. In return I can only hope I would be willing to do the same for Him if that was what He asked of me.
The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. John 1:5
Monday, October 13, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
Why Thank God in Trials and Happy Moments
My second son has an issue with eating what is put before him unless it's chicken nuggets, starbursts or skittles. I have to coax and prod and encourage. But what I find so funny is that even though he hates what I put in front of him he always manages to take one bite. It's not the bite that is intriguing but his reaction to the bite.
"Thank you mommy." My son is 3 and though he really dislikes what is in front of him he always manages to say 'Thank you mommy." before taking a bite and while gagging. (no I'm not that bad of a cook my other two children typically eat fine) He eats because I tell him it will make him grow stronger and taller. Basically he eats because he has to in order to live. He eats because he knows there is usually reward (desert) for his obedience and he eats because I am looking out for his best interest to have a well balanced diet.
I have no idea really why he says thank you every time but it gets me every single time!!!
I have no idea really why he says thank you every time but it gets me every single time!!!
I Thessalonians 5:18 "In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." (NLT)
This verse is so hard to really do. It's easy to give thanks when the bounty is flowing and things in life are really happening that we love. But we all know it's hard to say "thank you Jesus" when life is throwing things at us we don't like. Often times if we choose to go to God at all about the situation it's to complain and sometimes rather loudly that we don't like it.
I am no different. I struggle so hard with being thankful for the things I don't get or that I do get and don't like. But, thankfully God has been working on me in this area. He really wants me to surrender all my life to Him and His control even if I don't like everything that He has planned to put into my path.
I saw this area where I lacked quite boldly in my face and knew it was time to take care of business. So, I do what any one does seeking to please their Father, I ask Him (reluctantly mind you) to teach me to be thankful in all my circumstances, happy and unhappy ones. I did add when asking that He make the process as painless as possible.
So, as I realize I was on a real roll of being thankful and putting it into practice I was starting to get proud of myself for overcoming this obstacle of not being thankful in all things.
And then the big ol' test came. God knocked me down. He physically knocked me down. Not even a week after I was realizing I was doing a pretty good job of being happy and content with everything and thanking Him for teaching me this process He gave me the whammy! I was down. I was physically injured. I couldn't get out of bed, and for a girl who is always on the go, always wanting to be around here kids and always busy this was not an easy thing for me to take.
I came home from the doctors where my husband ever so lovingly but sternly told me to 'go to bed, and stay in bed, and not come out of the room.' He had everything under control.
I laid in bed because really my body was so sore I didn't have the willpower to even offer to argue with the hubby. I graciously took my role of sicky, even though that is not of my nature.
So, as I am laying in bed, staring out my window I realized this was AWESOME!! I had just been given days of nothing but me and God time. Honestly, I was in lots of pain, my chest hurt to breath any air in so I just laid and asked God to just come hear my heart. The first words I said, where...
"Thank you Jesus for this. I don't know why you have me down, I don't know why I am sick but thank you for whatever the purpose is in making me sick. I just ask that you allow me to understand the trial of illness when I am better. I trust you totally have a reason for removing me from all situations I was scheduled to be apart of for the next week."
That was really all I had energy to pray and I fell asleep. Through the next two days as I lay in bed my conversation openers with God seemed to start similarly to that prayer. Always thanking him for whatever his purpose was in my sickness.
That was really all I had energy to pray and I fell asleep. Through the next two days as I lay in bed my conversation openers with God seemed to start similarly to that prayer. Always thanking him for whatever his purpose was in my sickness.
Now, this isn't a brag on myself but a word to encourage. You see I finally understood the verse. We always focus on the first part, "Give thanks for everything." And we leave it at that. But the verse doesn't end there it goes on to say why you need to do that.
"..For this is the will of Christ Jesus concerning you." If we as Christians truly believe that everything happens for a purpose, then we need to be thankful for everything! Everything God allows to happen to us is for a reason that will bring glory to Himself and because He really does have our best interests in mind.
Just like I have to look out for the best interests of my son and his diet so he can grow and be healthy God also has to look out for us. And just like my son can be thankful for his gag-able sandwich and say thank you because he knows I will reward him for his obedience God also wants us to be thankful and be obedient in being thankful so He can openly reward us. Children who are obedient to their Father will reap a reward, even if it's just a 'atta girl!' and a proud smile.
It doesn't mean we have to like whatever trial we are going through but it does mean we just have to trust that God wrote our story and everyone else's story and the whole point of all of the stories is to bring glory to Himself.
Our aim as Christians is to serve God so He can be glorified, so He can be made famous!
Don't think that this one time of passing the test makes me out to have conquered this huge task of being thankful. Just the other day God asked me to do a really huge task, or what I felt was huge!
As I talked it out with a friend I knew God had purpose for the situation, I knew God was going to fix my own errors of where I hadn't listened to his voice earlier and He was still in this.
Don't think that this one time of passing the test makes me out to have conquered this huge task of being thankful. Just the other day God asked me to do a really huge task, or what I felt was huge!
As I talked it out with a friend I knew God had purpose for the situation, I knew God was going to fix my own errors of where I hadn't listened to his voice earlier and He was still in this.
But as I sat the night before the whole issue was fixed I heard God speaking to my heart as I openly laid it all at His feet. His calm and gentle voice was very moving; "there is one thing my daughter you have forgotten. You have forgotten to thank me for even this trial."
Oh ya! Ooooops!!! I had! I had totally forgotten to thank God for putting me in the situation of the trial. I knew He was going to handle it. I knew He was going to show up and be my voice, I knew He was going to be my strength and yet I had felt there was just one thing missing.
As soon as I said "thank you for this trial, no matter how big it is to me I know you will handle it and I thank you for trusting me with this job and the trial." Those words gave me such peace in my situation I can't even explain it.
I may not have liked what happened to me. Trust me I was gagging at the idea just like my son gags at his lunch. I may not have liked being asked to step out of my comfort zone and do something above what I thought I was capable of; but I knew there was a promise from God that He always has my best interest in mind "For I know the plans I have for you..."(Jeremiah 29:11) He had made those plans far before the world was ever created that I would be made and that this was part of the plan all along. All I needed to do was praise Him in all my circumstances because that is all He wants from us! He wants our praise, and He wants to hear us lift up His name.
Being thankful may be hard, but be thankful God gave you the trial. Be thankful God is entrusting you with this task because He wants to work through you. Be thankful God wants to use you. Be thankful no matter how much life sucks that there is a purpose for the pain or even the happy moments. There is purpose in pain and in joy; but we have to be thankful God has a plan for both!
Heavenly Father,
Thank you!
Heavenly Father,
Thank you!
Thank you for my joys! Thank you for giving me rainbows and sunshine and happy moments that make me laugh and smile.
Thank you for my trials! Thank you for giving me grace in them and for using them to make me stronger. Thank you that through trials you bring me closer to you so that I have learned to lean on you and trust you in all circumstances.
Thank you for my trials! Thank you for giving me grace in them and for using them to make me stronger. Thank you that through trials you bring me closer to you so that I have learned to lean on you and trust you in all circumstances.
But most of all Father, just thank you for the gift of this whole beautiful life you have planned for me. I don't know my future but I know You hold it all, So thank you!
~Amen~
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Heaven's Warrior Princess- It's time to rise up!
Heaven's princess warrior boot camp
Emotional
Mental
Spiritual
Physical
1) we need to be ready emotionally for any thing we may face. This does not mean we need to be emotionally shut down. On the contrary, this actually means we need too be ready to understand our emotion. We need to know how to use them and how to control them so that we can not be harmed by being led by them or letting the enemy take foothold to lead us down a path that will distract us from our mission or destroy us.
But we also need to know how to use them and understand our God given talents given us by God for our discernment (instincts) and how we can use them to control our enemies. Men do not typically have the same type of emotional intuitions, that is what helps set us apart and helps us find our need for each other.
During your training you will learn to balance them, without the use of another party.
2) we need to be prepared with sound mental clarity. Not just filled with random useless facts. We need to know our facts/truths and how to use this to our advantages. This takes both trained knowledge and wisdom to know when and how to use it to be most effective for our goals and purpose.
3) we need to be spiritually ready. This doesn't mean just memorized scripture, though that is part of it. Being spiritually ready also means being confident in who you are because of Christ and confident in who the person you were made by God to be. Being confident so much so that even if your mentor/leader tries to sway you that you would not back down. Only God himself could sway you.
(This is important especially if you know you are going to face probable martyrdom)
Being so sure of yourself but without arrogance. when encountering others they will know and see your steadfastness and confidence. It will be inspiration and a light to some, to others it will scare them and make them fearful of you.
4) we need to be physically ready. This is just as important as the other three. We are training to face the most serious battle ever to be had. If we expect to be chosen to fight the evil we must be physically prepared. It takes strength to throw stones that matter. It takes strength to pull back a bow that is actually meant to hold an arrow that can kill. It takes strength to stand your ground. If you plan to fight not just earthly things but also the spiritual warfare you must be physically able, healthy and strong. The weak is where they strike first.
No one joins my battlefield who is not properly equipped and dressed and armed for the battle at hand.
I am armed!
I am prepared!
I am trained!
I am ready!
I am fearful of no man!
I answer to God alone!
I am the captain of the princess warriors!
Prepare yourself ladies. Only the few will stand and survive the fight as princess warriors. We are all princesses, but not everyone can be a warrior. Time to find out who you are and prepare yourself to be who God made you to be.
Others have been put here before me to train you, build you up, build me up.
They have done their job. They have succeeded! But now is the time for intense training. It is your last prepping grounds you stand on for the battle we will fight is close and we must be ready when it arrives!
We will not be sleeping!
We will not be shaken!
We will be ready to fight!
We will be ready to win!
We are
Heaven's Princess Warriors!!!!!
Ephesians 6:10-20
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Forcing God
As a Christian woman I have found myself time, and time
again caught in a trap of constantly doing.
The first time I realized this after I surrendered my life
back to Christ almost 4 years ago I found myself doing things because I knew
that serving was what God called of us. But, truth be told I also knew that
serving meant being on the front line, in the spot light, where I made it look
like I was doing my part.
I backed out of ‘serving’ when I realized I was serving for
the wrong reasons and with a wrong heart.
I didn't serve anywhere for a while because I was busy
having babies and stuff after stuff came up. My schedule was jammed with things
to do. I was still doing stuff to keep my spiritual life looking busy.
But, again there was the emptiness of the servant heart.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME!??!?!
And as time went on I started serving again in our church
and community.
Why was I so adamant about serving? Well one, we are called
to serve. But two I just wanted to be used!
You see I wanted so badly to prove to God how much I loved
Him. I wanted so bad for my prayers, that God would use me in mighty ways for
His kingdom, to come true.
You could say I was more or less trying to force the hand of
God to use me. I was so desperate for God
to use me and to fit somewhere that I didn't care how full my schedule was to get to that point.
I didn't care how
much time I had to spend away from my babies or husband. I was in hopes of being
used and finding where I fit. Many times I ignored that voice inside of me
telling me to “slow down.” Because of
course only Satan would tell a strong Christian woman to slow down.
That small quiet voice was right all along. And truth be
told we all know it wasn't the devil trying to slow me down.
Many of us have been where I have been. Many of you reading
this still are where I am at. You want God to use you so badly. You have gifts
for heaven’s sake! Gifts given to you by the Most High God! Why wouldn't he
want you out and about using them?
The truth is, many of us who are young moms are looking to ‘fit
in a spot’ so bad that many times we don’t heed that voice that tells us to
slow down. The voice that says it’s ok to take a break. We don’t listen when
God says, “Time to stop teaching and just sit, listen, enjoy!”
I’m going to be very candid with you today. If you are serving somewhere in your church or
your community and you have a young family that is showing all the signs that
the life you are forming for your family to live isn’t ideal for everyone in
your house;
THEN STOP!
That’s right! You need to take a break! Take a breather from serving! There will be opportunities for you to serve later. Your first ministry is to your Husband, then your kids and then others God brings to your path.
That’s right! You need to take a break! Take a breather from serving! There will be opportunities for you to serve later. Your first ministry is to your Husband, then your kids and then others God brings to your path.
If you want God to use you so badly that your body aches for
it then be still, and listen to His voice. The one that says, “it’s not your
time yet.” Or “Look to your family first.”
God is using you! If you told God that you are all His and
you are fully committed to serving Him wherever he asks, then you need to be content
serving Him where you are! You need to be content serving Him where He has
placed you!
Your spouse needs you!
Your kids, they need you! Yes they
need you more than they do that Sunday school teacher! (Shocker I know!!!)
Now, does that mean God isn’t calling you to serve somewhere
in the church or community?
Nope! I am not saying that at all.
There is a good chance though that He is going to ask you to
do something that will not make you feel like you are dying inside when being
pulled away from your family. He isn’t going to ask you to serve somewhere and
leave your kids and husband at home upset day in and out that you are once
again too busy to serve them or even be with them.
Your number one ministry is to your spouse and then your
kids. If those two things are not in proper order then there is a good chance
God is asking you to step back and focus on the Ministries that He has given
you as your number one priority!
Don’t think that being a stay at home mom, or being a wife
who stays home with her husband every night to hang out is not glorifying to
the kingdom of God. God is using your marriage and your kids to reach further
than you can see.
It’s time to take that break. Make room in your schedule for
the people in your life who mean the most. If it is important for you to still
serve then find something you can do as a family. If you want your kids to see you
serving others then do something where they can actually see you doing it, not something
where you walk out the door and they just know you are gone again.
A
family that serves together stays together!
A family that prays together stays together!
Here is a new one for you:
The one who serves alone is the one alone!
There is a time and a place for all your gifts to be used!
Right now, God is asking you to let Him do the placement of the when’s and
where’s.
Time to clear your schedules! Time to minister to those in your life God entrusted to you. The rest of your desires (the gifts and passions you are dying to use) will be fulfilled when you focus on fulfilling the first desires God placed in your heart years ago before you had that husband and those lovely kids. (remember when we had those as our hearts desires?!?!)
Time to clear your schedules! Time to minister to those in your life God entrusted to you. The rest of your desires (the gifts and passions you are dying to use) will be fulfilled when you focus on fulfilling the first desires God placed in your heart years ago before you had that husband and those lovely kids. (remember when we had those as our hearts desires?!?!)
I am being very frank in my writing today. I am because I
have been there. About 4ish months ago I heard that it was time to step back.
Time to take a chill pill! Time to stop trying to force God’s hand. And I
stepped back with a lot more than I thought I would ever let go of. I have to tell you friends, there is more freedom with each passing thing I
gave up.
My kids, they aren’t quite so naughty ;)
Snuggle time doesn’t always seem rushed or forced because I
feel there is too much else to get done.
I actually have time in my schedule to go get coffee with
friends or people who actually need me!!
My house, IT’s CLEAN!
My devotion time, it happens!
My Laundry is caught up each day!!!
My husband, well he seems rather content and happy to see me
and not always be on the run.
And most importantly, my relationship with God has become so
full and real and transparent and wonderful that I can’t even express it all!
I actually get to sit and relax and enjoy my life because I
listened to the voice of God!
I have freedom to sit on my front porch and not care as I rock away hand in hand and talk for hours with my hubby. And the best part is I don’t feel bad about it! (we refer to that time as “being old together”)
I have freedom to sit on my front porch and not care as I rock away hand in hand and talk for hours with my hubby. And the best part is I don’t feel bad about it! (we refer to that time as “being old together”)
I am happy and joyful and content just knowing where I am at
in life is exactly where God has placed me.
There is nothing wrong with being
still instead of constantly being out.
Time to stop forcing a way for God to use you and just enjoy
the presents God has given you!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
To the suicidal
For years I have battle a past. A nasty bad past. I have felt shamed and felt beaten. I have replayed over and over again those circumstances of my past. I have become depressed and even almost to the point of revisiting my past moments of contemplating suicide.
My story I'm sharing today isn't of one to make anyone feel sorry for me but one to bring hope. I don't know why I am writing this or who it will affect or change or help or encourage. But, I am writing this in faith that my story can change even just one life tonight.
My past is messy. I have a past where life was terrible and when I say terrible it was an emotionally confusing crazy world.
I grew up in a pastors home where one would think that love and respect and proper nurturing would have been found. And though at times you could find it, there was also more points in my past of hurt, physically, emotionally and spiritually. My father may have been a pastor, but he was also human. He was a man struggling with his own hurts, his own past and it affected the way he lived his life at home. Life was a roller coaster and I don't mean full of crazy fun ups and downs. I mean it was a roller coaster of emotions never knowing if dad was going to flip a lid in a matter of minute. He could go from crazy funny to crazy off the hook yelling and hitting in seconds. There was no warning there was no way to prevent it.
I lived in a world were being molested and being abused was part of my every day life. By the time I was eight years old I attempted suicide. Yup! I was 8. And yes I remember every detail of my thoughts going on in my head.
To those of you who don't understand kids in tough situations who feel that there is no way out and you think, 'wow suicide that is wrong," or "oh poor baby you shouldn't pity yourself so much." The truth is kids like that don't pity themselves. Most of them attempt because they feel there is no way out, that their life will never get any better and that Hell itself would be a safer place than where they are at now. The fact is most of those people don't worry if you pity them or not. Most of them hold a front that you wouldn't ever know that they were going through so much pain. They hide it well.
But, to those of you who have understood my every word. Those of you who may not have those exact feelings or problems but have enough of your own to make you want to contemplate such a feet as suicide let me tell you something...
There is HOPE! There really is. I am on the other side of that life! I am out of it! I made it! I went through hell in back in this life! I never thought I could have this life that now I do!
If you are in elementary school, middle school, high school or even out of school and think this isn't what I thought life would be like, I can't get out! Let me give you a glimpse in pictures of what life is like on the other side of your journey.
This could be your future!
I know it seems not something possible. I never thought in my wildest dreams that any dreams of having a happy family of my own was possible. I never thought I was going to live to see myself marry a man I was actually in love with. I never thought I would marry someone who would love kids and want them as much as I do. I never thought that the perfect dream in my head of a happy loving husband, kids and a beautiful home would ever really be mine!
I dreamed all those things but when I saw my reality in front of my face as I went through living my moments of hell I never dreamed that having a real shot at this kind of life was possible.
Even after I graduated and moved out of home life seemed to just be one hell after another. And I know that terminology for some is really hard but that is truly a suicidal state of mind. We can't imagine what the Bible talks about of hell being near as bad as the pain we have experienced day in and out. The emotions that tear you inside and out to the point that you just want to escape the world in which you can't seem to even find a window to retrieve a breath of fresh air.
But trust me to those of you who have been here, are here and maybe even will face here again; There is an out! There is a way to find peace and happiness! There is hope that you can have a real life! There is a way to get out of your hole. You may not be able to escape your world you are stuck in at the moment and that knife or those bottle of pills look tempting they even look inviting. But, do not do it! There really is a life waiting for you outside of all that you are dealing with now! There is a way to a happy ending! There is a way to peace and love and joy and all the things your heart yearns for but can't seem to find in the fakeness of what seems to be surrounding you.
Jesus may seem like such a scape goat but in all honesty His presents and Spirit are bigger than the problems you face! I hated Jesus for the longest time! I Truly thought that God wanted nothing more than to laugh at me. When I was younger I use to ask Him if he created me just to have someone to poke fun of and laugh at and get in trouble and send His wrath too!
It wasn't till I was in my mid 20's that I actually met the real God. I knew him before that but I didn't really want him around. I perceived him so wrong! I even asked him about my hurts and pains from my past. He walked me through patiently step by step to teach me who he really is. (this process has taken years but he has been with me every step of the process)
This is what I have found:
1) God is love- really He is way bigger than I could ever imagine and His love goes further than I could ever imagine. He loves me even when I have told him time and time again to go away. He loves me even though I have sworn at Him, blamed him for my past and criticized his lack of ability to stop those horrific things from happening to children, to women and to other innocents and weaker species. He loved me no matter how angry I got at Him and he repetitively found ways to show me that.
2) God wants me! Oh yah! To a girl who thought no one would ever want her or need her or like her ever that was something BIG! Since I thought I was created to be the laughing stalk of the universe I never once put to thought before that God actually wanted me! Now I can quote you a ton of Bible verse but in all honesty that isn't going to help many of you who are in the low of the low. So I am talking to you from a personal experience sort of way. First hand what I've been through.
When you are in that pit of thinking there isn't a soul who would desire to be around you, but God, he totally wants a relationship with you! He wants to hang out with you when you are depressed. He wants to hang out with you when you are crying, sassy, happy, ignorant, ugly, fat. And trust me I can say that because I was all those things. I wasn't the pretty girl in the school, I wasn't the belle of any ball at all. I was chunky, awkward and well a child. I had feelings and desires and hurts. And though day in and out those emotions still can get squashed like a bug I have learned that the God of the universe designed me because He wanted a relationship with me!
That was cool to think that the God of the universe followed me everywhere. And though there was the part of me that argued why he never stopped the yelling, and screaming, and physical harm He made one thing super clear, HE WAS NOT HAPPY WITH THOSE PEOPLE EITHER! He had a plan in store for them too it just was a path I was for sure happy I wasn't choosing to go down. I realized that I wanted a relationship with this God of the universe who actually found me, the girl without hope and without a will to live, He found me irresistible to hang out with. He wanted to hang out with me. He wanted to show me exactly who He is, how big He is and what He is capable of.
3) God has a plan for it all!
Now that may sound really patronizing at the moment to someone in the shoes of suicide but hold on. I am on the other side of this. And if the only plan God ever had through putting me through hell on earth was to share my story and save one, it was a plan I would do all over again!
Now I trust God has a bigger plan than just to affect one, but that is His business to deal with not mine. The point is that He always had a plan for every single thing that happened to me. I may only be 30 but I have seen how so many things from my past have already been to bring glory to Jesus! If i wouldn't have been through many of the things I had I would have never found myself looking for a job as far away from where I had been living. I would have never met my husband, I would have never walked the road I did, I would never have the exact three children I do now (and they are super cute and cuddly and lovable and the words, they are worth it!) The point is there was a plan to this madness all along and it wasn't to keep me in the pain forever.
God is still not done with you and He isn't done with me. He has a huge huge plan for your pain, if you will let Him deal with it. Trust me it's worth it! The whole going through the life I did with the exact people I did; I would do it all again because I know God has a way bigger plan for my past that I could have ever done with it!
Suicide isn't the answer. There is hope on the other side. There is a way to find happiness. There is a way to eventually get out. There is someone who is there in your darkest moments when you feel like there is not a soul who cares. The moments when you are being hurt that you just would rather die than continue on. There is a happy ending in store for you! Wait for it. You may be in your darkest hours but there will be light at the end of it all. Pray Jesus is there 24/7 and He will talk to you, hold you, listen to you and He can protect you from yourself!
Seriously just know there is a plan outside of your pain you just have to get to the other side. It may take one night it may take years but there is a light you have to keep trusting even when you don't get anything at all!
My story I'm sharing today isn't of one to make anyone feel sorry for me but one to bring hope. I don't know why I am writing this or who it will affect or change or help or encourage. But, I am writing this in faith that my story can change even just one life tonight.
My past is messy. I have a past where life was terrible and when I say terrible it was an emotionally confusing crazy world.
I grew up in a pastors home where one would think that love and respect and proper nurturing would have been found. And though at times you could find it, there was also more points in my past of hurt, physically, emotionally and spiritually. My father may have been a pastor, but he was also human. He was a man struggling with his own hurts, his own past and it affected the way he lived his life at home. Life was a roller coaster and I don't mean full of crazy fun ups and downs. I mean it was a roller coaster of emotions never knowing if dad was going to flip a lid in a matter of minute. He could go from crazy funny to crazy off the hook yelling and hitting in seconds. There was no warning there was no way to prevent it.
I lived in a world were being molested and being abused was part of my every day life. By the time I was eight years old I attempted suicide. Yup! I was 8. And yes I remember every detail of my thoughts going on in my head.
But, to those of you who have understood my every word. Those of you who may not have those exact feelings or problems but have enough of your own to make you want to contemplate such a feet as suicide let me tell you something...
There is HOPE! There really is. I am on the other side of that life! I am out of it! I made it! I went through hell in back in this life! I never thought I could have this life that now I do!
If you are in elementary school, middle school, high school or even out of school and think this isn't what I thought life would be like, I can't get out! Let me give you a glimpse in pictures of what life is like on the other side of your journey.
This could be your future!
I know it seems not something possible. I never thought in my wildest dreams that any dreams of having a happy family of my own was possible. I never thought I was going to live to see myself marry a man I was actually in love with. I never thought I would marry someone who would love kids and want them as much as I do. I never thought that the perfect dream in my head of a happy loving husband, kids and a beautiful home would ever really be mine!
I dreamed all those things but when I saw my reality in front of my face as I went through living my moments of hell I never dreamed that having a real shot at this kind of life was possible.
Even after I graduated and moved out of home life seemed to just be one hell after another. And I know that terminology for some is really hard but that is truly a suicidal state of mind. We can't imagine what the Bible talks about of hell being near as bad as the pain we have experienced day in and out. The emotions that tear you inside and out to the point that you just want to escape the world in which you can't seem to even find a window to retrieve a breath of fresh air.
But trust me to those of you who have been here, are here and maybe even will face here again; There is an out! There is a way to find peace and happiness! There is hope that you can have a real life! There is a way to get out of your hole. You may not be able to escape your world you are stuck in at the moment and that knife or those bottle of pills look tempting they even look inviting. But, do not do it! There really is a life waiting for you outside of all that you are dealing with now! There is a way to a happy ending! There is a way to peace and love and joy and all the things your heart yearns for but can't seem to find in the fakeness of what seems to be surrounding you.
Jesus may seem like such a scape goat but in all honesty His presents and Spirit are bigger than the problems you face! I hated Jesus for the longest time! I Truly thought that God wanted nothing more than to laugh at me. When I was younger I use to ask Him if he created me just to have someone to poke fun of and laugh at and get in trouble and send His wrath too!
It wasn't till I was in my mid 20's that I actually met the real God. I knew him before that but I didn't really want him around. I perceived him so wrong! I even asked him about my hurts and pains from my past. He walked me through patiently step by step to teach me who he really is. (this process has taken years but he has been with me every step of the process)
This is what I have found:
1) God is love- really He is way bigger than I could ever imagine and His love goes further than I could ever imagine. He loves me even when I have told him time and time again to go away. He loves me even though I have sworn at Him, blamed him for my past and criticized his lack of ability to stop those horrific things from happening to children, to women and to other innocents and weaker species. He loved me no matter how angry I got at Him and he repetitively found ways to show me that.
2) God wants me! Oh yah! To a girl who thought no one would ever want her or need her or like her ever that was something BIG! Since I thought I was created to be the laughing stalk of the universe I never once put to thought before that God actually wanted me! Now I can quote you a ton of Bible verse but in all honesty that isn't going to help many of you who are in the low of the low. So I am talking to you from a personal experience sort of way. First hand what I've been through.
When you are in that pit of thinking there isn't a soul who would desire to be around you, but God, he totally wants a relationship with you! He wants to hang out with you when you are depressed. He wants to hang out with you when you are crying, sassy, happy, ignorant, ugly, fat. And trust me I can say that because I was all those things. I wasn't the pretty girl in the school, I wasn't the belle of any ball at all. I was chunky, awkward and well a child. I had feelings and desires and hurts. And though day in and out those emotions still can get squashed like a bug I have learned that the God of the universe designed me because He wanted a relationship with me!
That was cool to think that the God of the universe followed me everywhere. And though there was the part of me that argued why he never stopped the yelling, and screaming, and physical harm He made one thing super clear, HE WAS NOT HAPPY WITH THOSE PEOPLE EITHER! He had a plan in store for them too it just was a path I was for sure happy I wasn't choosing to go down. I realized that I wanted a relationship with this God of the universe who actually found me, the girl without hope and without a will to live, He found me irresistible to hang out with. He wanted to hang out with me. He wanted to show me exactly who He is, how big He is and what He is capable of.
3) God has a plan for it all!
Now that may sound really patronizing at the moment to someone in the shoes of suicide but hold on. I am on the other side of this. And if the only plan God ever had through putting me through hell on earth was to share my story and save one, it was a plan I would do all over again!
Now I trust God has a bigger plan than just to affect one, but that is His business to deal with not mine. The point is that He always had a plan for every single thing that happened to me. I may only be 30 but I have seen how so many things from my past have already been to bring glory to Jesus! If i wouldn't have been through many of the things I had I would have never found myself looking for a job as far away from where I had been living. I would have never met my husband, I would have never walked the road I did, I would never have the exact three children I do now (and they are super cute and cuddly and lovable and the words, they are worth it!) The point is there was a plan to this madness all along and it wasn't to keep me in the pain forever.
God is still not done with you and He isn't done with me. He has a huge huge plan for your pain, if you will let Him deal with it. Trust me it's worth it! The whole going through the life I did with the exact people I did; I would do it all again because I know God has a way bigger plan for my past that I could have ever done with it!
Suicide isn't the answer. There is hope on the other side. There is a way to find happiness. There is a way to eventually get out. There is someone who is there in your darkest moments when you feel like there is not a soul who cares. The moments when you are being hurt that you just would rather die than continue on. There is a happy ending in store for you! Wait for it. You may be in your darkest hours but there will be light at the end of it all. Pray Jesus is there 24/7 and He will talk to you, hold you, listen to you and He can protect you from yourself!
Seriously just know there is a plan outside of your pain you just have to get to the other side. It may take one night it may take years but there is a light you have to keep trusting even when you don't get anything at all!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
The Raging Storm Inside
Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
Jesus responded, "why are you afraid? Have you so little faith!" Then he got up and rebuked the wind and the waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.
The Disciples were amazed. "Who is this man?" they asked. "Even the winds and waves obey him!"
Matthew 8: 23-27
Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone.
Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o'clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, "It's a ghost!"
But Jesus spoke to them at once. "Don't be afraid," He said. "Take courage. I am here!"
Then Peter called to him, "Lord, if it's really you, tell me to come to you walking on the water."
"Yes, Come," Jesus said
So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!" He shouted
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. "you have so little faith," Jesus said. "Why did you doubt me?"
When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshiped him. "You really are the Son of God!" They exclaimed.
Matthew 14:22-33
I just love these stories. They are such wonderful reminders to me in times of a storm. Most of my storms I'll admit are very emotionally based. As a women I think we struggle with more emotions than anything. We feel so much that many times we take our feelings as straight truth when they may be blinding us to the truth. At times they may even be hindering us from experiencing truth.
Even recently I have been faced with a raging fighting storm inside my heart and mind. It's hard to find truth of the matter when my brain goes every which way and I can't seem to find which way is up or down.
Truth about it though is that no matter how bad the storm the one thing I have stuck to when in the storm is Jesus.
Just like in the two stories above where even though the disciples had barely any faith that they were going to survive their immediate instinct was to reach out and call for Jesus help. In the first story the disciples woke him up for fear they were all going to drown. In the second story Peter immediately cried out to the Lord to save him. Sure we can agree they had little faith, but the point is that they at least HAD faith. Though it was little they had enough faith to call upon the one they trusted to save them.
Also in both scriptures we see Jesus accusing them of being of little faith. Why did Jesus accuse them of having little faith if they had enough faith to call to him and trust He could do something to change the situation?
What the disciples lacked was the faith God had given them the same power to control the wind and the waves. God, through Jesus being with us, has given us the same power to control the waves, to walk on water. We have the power to shush the storm inside.
So, what does this mean exactly?
We are fighting a battle. We are in the midst of a war we can not see with our eyes but can experience with our souls. Our feelings are what entangle us in that war. It is what makes us feel that we are caught up inside of it. The war is a fight over you. The war is a fight over your heart, your soul.
The good and the bad, there really is that war going on. (God vs Satan) To choose to hold tight and fight off the bad, the scary thoughts that keep us feeling like we are suffocating and drowning in worry and fear. We have control and power to say, Jesus has won! I am on his side. Evil has no room in this place!
Put your foot down. Tell Satan exactly who you want to have win, and in turn who has just won that battle.
When the war is ragging and more than you can handle and you have taken your eyes of Christ but you still know he's there, that's the time you take what little faith you have left and just like Peter cry out "Lord, Save me!"
"He replied, 'if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you.' " Luke 17:6
He Replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain 'move from here to there, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." - Matthew 17:20
It doesn't take a ton of faith to do the impossible! The little bit of faith that may be left inside of you is all you need to be able to cry out and ask Jesus to catch your hand and keep you from drowning in the storms waging war inside of you
A mustard seed is one of the smallest seeds you will ever see, it's just a spec when holding it in your hand. According to both of these different accounts Jesus is saying that if you have just a spec of faith not only will he reach out and save you if you call on him, but with Him you CAN move mountains! You Can calm seas! You can crush the raging war inside of you that threatens to erupt you from the inside out. You can claim VICTORY OVER IT ALL!!! And through winning the war over the rage, you will find Peace like no other and a Joy that flows from the soul!
It's time to cry out, take the stand. Even if you seem to have lost faith that He loves you just choose to believe that He will save you from the Storm within. The rest of the saving grace comes after you cry out.
So we are left with two choices each time we face this storm inside:
1) Throw up our hands and give up, drown in the storm of worry and fear, assuming God just doesn't care about you and your 'little problems.'
or
2) Cry out "LORD, SAVE ME!" And watch Him lovingly reach for you, help you into a boat of safety and watch Him calm the wind and waves. He's not going to let you drown if you ask Him to save you.
Jesus responded, "why are you afraid? Have you so little faith!" Then he got up and rebuked the wind and the waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.
The Disciples were amazed. "Who is this man?" they asked. "Even the winds and waves obey him!"
Matthew 8: 23-27
Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone.
Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. About three o'clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, "It's a ghost!"
But Jesus spoke to them at once. "Don't be afraid," He said. "Take courage. I am here!"
Then Peter called to him, "Lord, if it's really you, tell me to come to you walking on the water."
"Yes, Come," Jesus said
So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. "Save me, Lord!" He shouted
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. "you have so little faith," Jesus said. "Why did you doubt me?"
When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshiped him. "You really are the Son of God!" They exclaimed.
Matthew 14:22-33
I just love these stories. They are such wonderful reminders to me in times of a storm. Most of my storms I'll admit are very emotionally based. As a women I think we struggle with more emotions than anything. We feel so much that many times we take our feelings as straight truth when they may be blinding us to the truth. At times they may even be hindering us from experiencing truth.
Even recently I have been faced with a raging fighting storm inside my heart and mind. It's hard to find truth of the matter when my brain goes every which way and I can't seem to find which way is up or down.
Truth about it though is that no matter how bad the storm the one thing I have stuck to when in the storm is Jesus.
Just like in the two stories above where even though the disciples had barely any faith that they were going to survive their immediate instinct was to reach out and call for Jesus help. In the first story the disciples woke him up for fear they were all going to drown. In the second story Peter immediately cried out to the Lord to save him. Sure we can agree they had little faith, but the point is that they at least HAD faith. Though it was little they had enough faith to call upon the one they trusted to save them.
Also in both scriptures we see Jesus accusing them of being of little faith. Why did Jesus accuse them of having little faith if they had enough faith to call to him and trust He could do something to change the situation?
What the disciples lacked was the faith God had given them the same power to control the wind and the waves. God, through Jesus being with us, has given us the same power to control the waves, to walk on water. We have the power to shush the storm inside.
So, what does this mean exactly?
We are fighting a battle. We are in the midst of a war we can not see with our eyes but can experience with our souls. Our feelings are what entangle us in that war. It is what makes us feel that we are caught up inside of it. The war is a fight over you. The war is a fight over your heart, your soul.
The good and the bad, there really is that war going on. (God vs Satan) To choose to hold tight and fight off the bad, the scary thoughts that keep us feeling like we are suffocating and drowning in worry and fear. We have control and power to say, Jesus has won! I am on his side. Evil has no room in this place!
Put your foot down. Tell Satan exactly who you want to have win, and in turn who has just won that battle.
When the war is ragging and more than you can handle and you have taken your eyes of Christ but you still know he's there, that's the time you take what little faith you have left and just like Peter cry out "Lord, Save me!"
"He replied, 'if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you.' " Luke 17:6
He Replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain 'move from here to there, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." - Matthew 17:20
It doesn't take a ton of faith to do the impossible! The little bit of faith that may be left inside of you is all you need to be able to cry out and ask Jesus to catch your hand and keep you from drowning in the storms waging war inside of you
It's time to cry out, take the stand. Even if you seem to have lost faith that He loves you just choose to believe that He will save you from the Storm within. The rest of the saving grace comes after you cry out.
So we are left with two choices each time we face this storm inside:
1) Throw up our hands and give up, drown in the storm of worry and fear, assuming God just doesn't care about you and your 'little problems.'
or
2) Cry out "LORD, SAVE ME!" And watch Him lovingly reach for you, help you into a boat of safety and watch Him calm the wind and waves. He's not going to let you drown if you ask Him to save you.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Fighting the right battle
The bible is a two edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12) So why are Christians using it to fight each other instead of using it for intended purpose to cut down the devil? The only time we seem to quote scriptures and fight for what we believe is right is when we are fighting with each other trying to prove why we are right in our theology.
Stop playing the game of who is right, who is wrong, who knows more and who is more qualified. IF you are a Christian you are qualified to share the gospel of Christ. Let’s stop using the Bible for Satan’s purposes of side tracking us with our ‘knowledge’ and need for being right or wrong in the church and start using it for the intended purpose of fighting off the evil in this world. Share the truths with people who don’t know them. That was the intended purpose of the Bible. God had it written so we could learn, so we could be close to Him and know His truth and His voice and use His voice to fight off the devil. We are to use his voice to guide our everyday lives.
The Bible IS
NOT intended to be used to fight Christians, to prove points, or get
into useless battles of right theology and wrong theology. As long as we
believe the basics that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and He died for us we
are in agreement of the only point that really matters and makes us Christians.
We are to be using these truths to fight the real enemy, the devil. If that is
the only thing we can agree upon that is O.K. because that is the point of the
Bible. We are to let people know Christ, to have a personal relationship with
Him. It has nothing to do with starting petty fights, engaging in battles of
who memorized more scripture, who has more Bible college or who has the perfect
set of moral values based on the Bible.
Preach Jesus crucified for you. Preach Jesus is the savior of the whole world. Preach his love that was given on the Cross for you. JOHN 3:16!
Preach Jesus crucified for you. Preach Jesus is the savior of the whole world. Preach his love that was given on the Cross for you. JOHN 3:16!
Ephesians 6: 10-13
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his
mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you
can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and
blood, but
against the rulers, against the authorities, against the
powers of
this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full
armor of God, so
that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and
after you have done everything, to stand.
Read it again and again if you have to. The point in
putting on the Armor of God is to fight not flesh and blood (humans) but the
things in the world that you cannot see, the devil and his little army of
misfits.
When you
study, when you read, yes you are to share what you learned but the easiest way
to share isn't by getting in heated theological debates, or standing there
shouting that you are a great leader come follow me. The point is to put what you have learned
into practice. The point to reading and studying the Bible is to apply it so
you are strong, not to fight humans but to fight evil.
As a
Christian you are not to fight or try to convince each other of why you are always
theologically right. The people you choose to pick fights with are just the
people Satan is using along your path to distract you from actually seeing him.
The people who you meet God has put in
your path to give you people to fight with. Most of those people who cross your
path are on your side 100% but you’ll never know that because you want them to
agree with you 100% before they can ‘fight’ alongside you.
To those of
you who want to be leaders, just do the right thing. If God wants you to be the captain of some
army while here on earth there will be people who follow your guidance and the
way you live your life.
As
Christians we should be joining together, unifying even with our theological
differences and preaching truth at the Devil, at Satan, NOT at each other!
You are a warrior in God's army. Don't fight each other anymore, because when we do we are killing our own army. It's time to turn around and fight who we are meant to be fighting! Let's show Satan and his army of clowns exactly how God can bring unity to His own people so that they can no longer stand their ground. So they tremble with the fear of God again. Let's take their wicket little smiles that they get each time there is a fight between Christians and turn that into a freaked out OH NO face where they realize they no longer have control over our lives, that we have caught on to his practices to side track us. Let us fight him! Let us put on the armor of God!
Pick up that two edged sword and fight knowing that no matter which way we turn that blade he gets hurt over and over and over again!!
I AM A WARRIOR OF THE LORD'S ARMY!
I AM A WARRIOR OF THE LORD'S ARMY!
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