Self worth as a stay at home mom

In a world where it is more common to be a working mom as a stay at home mom I can feel completely insignificant. The hardest year of my life was after I quit my job to stay home and be with my children. My oldest was 2 at the time and I was more than ready to stay home with him, hang out with him all day, relax, play, do educational stuff. Also keep my house in beautiful perfect order so when my husband came home from work each night there would be a perfect meal ready and waiting for him and all we had to do each night after dinner was sit and relax and enjoy each other’s company.  It was a hard year for me because there were so many things I didn’t understand about being a homemaker.  You don’t get training for this kind of a job, it’s a learn as you go and you better learn fast, hang on tight while praying your way through the day.

The dreams of playing on the floor with my one and only son, all while having a beautifully clean home with fresh cooked meals and fresh baked goods galore all while being pregnant, were in fact a dream.  In reality stay at home moms don’t have it easy like that at all. We don’t get to play all day and the idea of having a beautifully clean home with a 2 year old is an insane illusion. Clean a window and look back while you are cleaning the next one and he’s already finger printed it up the first one and possibly put his mouth all over it.  Cleaning is an endless chore.  At least when I worked out of the home no one was home to make it dirty 24/7 so it stayed clean a little longer.

But it wasn’t the endless cleaning battles I faced, or the fact that all the happy dreams of having a perfect life were not coming true it was also the inside battle that came along shortly after becoming a stay at home mom.  It was the feeling of self worth going down the drain. Needing to feel that I was just as important to the world as I was when I worked and brought in money to help support my family.  I had worked hard ever since I was 15 years old and now, now I didn’t make a dime and my hard work was hard to see as usually one room got cleaned the other one was getting destroyed all over again.  There wasn’t a lot to show for your hard days of work as a stay at home mom and it started to really wear on me. I couldn’t stand not being productive or at least looking like I had been unproductive.

So then I did this awesome thing to try and start feeling worthwhile. I started serving in every type of ministry opportunity that came my way. At least to the rest of the world, that seemed to look more lowly on the stay at home moms, this would look good. At least it looked like I did something again and the awesome part was I could do it for free and then it looked even better!  But the truth was that the more I did and volunteered for the unhappier I became.  The more I did the more I felt like I was jipping my kids. The more ministry opportunities I took on the less quality time I got to spend with my kids and my husband.

I know God has called me into ministry. I know that 100%.  Most who know me know that I have a huge desire to work with women’s ministry type programs. I also enjoy helping in kids ministry programs. I did my best to find ways to get involved in programs like this to help fill that void that I had to be involved and be important in the ministry of Christ; I needed a sense of self-worth.

The big problem with all this was that the more I got involved with those ministries the guiltier I felt regarding my personal life. Things just never seemed to go right at home. I was becoming extremely short tempered with my kids and soon with my husband. No one in my house was doing anything right in my eyes and the perfect home life I was striving for fell down the tubes and fast.

I had to really start praying as I didn’t understand. “God I know you called me to do women’s ministry, and help out in the church, but why is my life seem so rough so hard? Are you testing me am I doing something wrong. I just want to serve you.”  So many days I would privately pray this as I watched my home life become more of a struggle for me and for my husband and kids. I was so wrapped up in doing ministry for other people with the idea that I was doing it for God that I hadn’t looked at my own life with my family as my main ministry. I had not been the person at home that God wanted me to be.

I always thought that the dreams of being the perfect mom at home with a long long patience span, a great wife that ever adores and yes is even submissive to her husband was just in fact that, a dream. I thought it was something that was never going to happen, it didn’t really exist. However, I think it can exist. I think that the type of woman I dream of being, the type of life I dreamed of having for my family is actually a possibility and even something God desires for my life and the life of my family. I don’t mean that I would be a Stepford wife or anything like that, but I do believe that God desires me to be a wife and a mommy as my first ministry to the world and yes being happy may just be part of that.

If I can’t be supportive and helpful to my husband more often than I am then I am failing that ministry. If I can’t each day replicate the type of good Christian behavior that I should be showing to my children then I am failing that ministry as well. Honestly it’s hard. I am only human I would love for others to see me as something great and grand. But, more than the rest of the world, I care most deeply about my spouse and his ever growing faith and life and my children and their faith and future lives.  I have to take the time now while my children are young to teach them and show them the aspects of Jesus before it’s too late. I need to practice and work on my behaviors at home before they grow up and think more negatively about Christianity because of the twisted unloving ways that were not lived out in their home here.

I eventually stopped working in all ministries I had volunteered for and the worst part was at first I felt guilty. And then I looked at my home life. I am far from feeling guilty that I stepped back and listened to the voice inside my heart that told me my current ministry is to serve my family. The rest of the world will still be there when my kids were not so little and in need of so much of my love and attention.

My house, it’s still a wreck most days, I still feel like I can’t keep up with everything but my family, well even though it’s far from perfect and there are still good days and bad days, the good days far outweigh the bad days. It’s a process I am working on still. I am much happier severing along side with my husband and serving my babies and making sure they get the attention and love they need now than I was trying to serve the rest of the world only to feel important. I am important to the people who are most important to me and that is really all that matters. And I know that even though parts of me are super excited to move onto serving in other areas I know God has called me to I know that now is not that time and I am to embrace and enjoy the time and ministry he has called me to now.  I have a long way to go to be the perfect wife and mother but thankfully now I can at least enjoy the ride as I work to become the best I can be for the ministry I am in.