Ever have those days, weeks, months where you just long to see God somewhere in your life? Those times where it seems as though He is nonexistent? It's frustrating, and makes you question God, your faith, your beliefs, everything, just wondering if it's all worth it? Or if you are just crazy?
Honestly, I started this blog posting stuff in the middle of this season of life. The feelings of questioning Him, where is He, is He around, if He is around does he really care? What happened to the girl 9 years ago that was so sure that no matter what happened there was a God who cared about me, there was a God walking beside me? For over a year now, probably closer to 2 years, I have known and believe God exists and know He is there. I started the blog more or less to find that person again from 9 years ago. I have faith that He's being quiet in this moment in my life for a reason. Is every day easy to wake up and say, "Ok God I still can't feel you, but I trust you are there so have my day." No it's not easy to wake up each morning saying that or"praise Jesus." or being thankful. To say I wake up that way every morning right now would be a lie and be being fake. I'm lucky if I wake up with that kind of spirit once a month.
I can tell you from past experience though that God is real, that He does love me, that He cares about me and that yes, I believe this time of Him being quiet in my life is more of one for me to learn and grow in my faith. I use to think this was a time He was using to make me 'prove' myself to Him. I had walked away from my faith before and come back begging him to take me and put me together. I had done it more than once and eventually walked back away from Him every time I had come running back, caring little to not at all what He wanted from my life or cared if I was doing something that pleased Him. So to me at first this was me thinking God wanted me to 'prove' my self to Him that I was serious, that I was real about my decision to follow Him.
The difference I realized is that God hasn't been asking me to prove myself to Him for over a year, because my decision this time was on my own. I was no longer living in a world surrounded by "Christian" people I was trying to please and fit in with, meaning I had nothing to prove to God as my decision was real and directly from the heart. I was nervous as heck the first time I talked to my husband about even going back to church and finding a church home, but I did it. I knew what I needed and I knew I needed God leading my life. So to say God needed me to prove I was serious was probably way off as He knows the heart. I was broken down, lonely and thought I would be on this journey alone this time with no others around me to join. (I was wrong my hubby came with me!!)
I believe through this season God isn't asking me to do anything but keep trusting. He doesn't expect my faith to be fake, but tried in order to make me stronger. I also believe that this season is partially to do with where I am at in the existence of life. I have two kids under the age of 5 and one on the way. This is an exciting yet also tiring and trying time in life. It's hard to always feel God near when it's hard to find hours a day (or even two minutes) to spend praying and reading the Bible. It's hard to find ways to be spiritually rejuvenated day in and day out.
I think many mom's in my shoes go through this at this season of their life. Feeling that maybe God has 'forgotten about them" or doesn't care because He's got bigger things to worry about. But, I also know that God is bigger than my understanding and mind. I know He hasn't forgotten about me. And though there may be bigger things in my eyes to worry about in this world God deals with them all in His timing and He sees each person equal and the same. He deals with each individual problem on His terms.
I can say that I do know after talking to many other mom's who have gone through the baby and toddler stage that they say they have, been there done that. Sometimes just knowing that can help me make it through another day. Just knowing that even if I can't feel God or see Him directly affecting and using my life that some day, when I am no longer sleep deprived and feeling like a hamster running in a wheel, that on the other side I will see God and how He helped me through each day that I did wake up feeling alone and without Him.
So, I have to remember to keep on trusting, even when it's hard. To keep on fighting for what I believe to be true, even if I can't feel God always next to me. I can't give up on what I believe because if I give up on it that means I didn't believe it in the first place. Believing something means that you trust it with your whole being. It will effect the way you live, think and do all things in your life and just because you can't always prove it doesn't mean you stop believing it to be true and real.
So, even though there are many days that I can't feel God or see Him directly in my life I have learned to keep on keeping on, and holding onto the things I know to be true and real. I know what I believe, what is true even when I can't see it or feel it.
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