O.k. So most anyone who knows me knows that I have a H.U.G.E issue with the typical topic of wifely submission. I mean we hear about it all the time in church. We hear how we are meant to submit, that we are to do things our husbands way no questions asked just do it. We are to respect our husbands and many times it comes across as nothing shorter than a form of the man owns you as a piece of property to do with as he wills. It sounds like ultimate slavery, it doesn't sound like a life filled with any sort of pleasure or fun or even excitement, romance and love as we hope for. Honestly if most women thought this was the way marriage was to be we never would have gotten married, because a marriage like that becomes lonely.
In truth the talk we hear on submission is something I clearly say is like beating a dead horse. That ship has come and gone a thousand times and I laugh at most men inwardly who even choose to try and discuss it, because lets face it they wouldn't want someone to tell them to act the way they are telling us to act. And wives and those who wish to ever be wives, I couldn't agree more, this topic is way to abused. But I am going to write about submission in a different light, submission that I believe to be true, from God, untainted submission that both brings in respect for your spouse and also in turn a true lasting love in marriage that isn't without romance or a life of boredom.
My husband and I have had this talk many times and my husband has even said, "If you were to act like those people have described they think their wife should submit I would have never married you, at least not without punching you in the face and making you talk." My husband is a mellow person so no he does not harm me at all, but this also shows how admit he seems to be against this idea the typical "Christian" male brings to the table when discussing such a topic.
In truth I agree 100% that when we submit we are giving our husbands the respect that is actually talked about in the Bible that we are to give our spouse. I love reading Proverbs 31 (go ahead and take a read quick you'll enjoy it). In this chapter of the Bible this woman is known for her fear of the Lord, she is known for not just respecting her husband but also bringing him respect from others. It also talks about the ways in which she lives. She runs the household smoothly, she makes wise choices, words of kindness are there. There are so many things that she does, for her children, her maid servants, and her husband. Her children and her husband rise and call her blessed.
Her husband praises her, he is not ashamed of her and he is respected in the city gates. Those are some big things I take away from this passage and strive for to bring to my husband and our marriage. So here are a few steps to help build a respectful and even submissive relationship with your husband without falling over the edge and feeling trapped as your husbands slave.
1) Talk well of him to others. When you say good things about your spouse and nothing negative EVER, not even to your best friend or his, you lift him up. This means even when you are fighting keep it to yourselves! If you need a place to clear your mind or get a better perspective make sure he knows you just need a person to talk to about it that way he doesn't feel he is being rejected. Make sure it's a person he trusts to not judge him. There is nothing worse than feeling like when he is with you and your friends that he doesn't belong.
2) Talk with him. Do NOT, repeat DO NOT talk at him! There is a big difference between talking with your husband and talking at him. When you talk at him there is a loss of respect. For one it shows him you have no room to let his opinion matter. Two when you talk at him it usually can eventually feel condemning like he isn't good enough. And third, when you talk with him instead of at him it's easier to resolve the conflict you may have with him or something he has done. He is more apt to find a way to fix and deal with the problem than become defensive and angry and not want to change a thing.
3) Be gently honest. If he asks you for an opinion be honest, with gentleness. There is a difference in just letting your tongue go and saying "well it's the truth." or "if the shoe fits wear it," sort of mentality. If you want to keep that place in his heart that he gave only to you and you want it to grow, not harden, don't be mean. Even if it's something you feel needs to be said say it in a way that shows you respect him. Think before you speak so you can plan your words to come out as encouraging not degrading so that he knows you have his best interests in mind.
4) Stop criticizing him. That is a hard one for many of us. Even if we do not complain about him to our friends we often have a hard time not criticizing him to his face or thinking bad things about him in our minds. When we ponder inwardly what we are upset about it then eats at us and causes us to get more angry with him. Find positive things to say, not fake positive, no one likes a fake. Tell him he looks nice in his shirt, or that you like the way he helps you out around the house. And do the compliments without adding on a but, or a could you now do this for me? Often times as women we are quick to say a compliment then follow it up with a, but I wish you would do this. Or "You look so nice today thanks babe, would you mind taking out the garbage this morning like I asked you to last night?" Just leave a compliment as a compliment and let him soak it in like you enjoy when he does it for you.
5) Be open to him and that means, yes to all accounts where your brain takes you on being open. No one wants a wife who refuses to be intimate him mentally, physically and emotionally. He married you because he loves all of you, so get over yourself and enjoy being pampered by the guy who wants to have it all.
6) Remember that when he is not with you, you are resembling him as well. Even if you are not talking about him at all people are going to either think highly of your husband by the way you act or they are going to think negatively about him.. You want your husband to feel honored to have you by his side, honored you are his bride. There are few greater feelings of pure happiness for me than when my husband has told me he feels way more confident in public when I am by his side than when I am not there. If you are an embarrassment in public places he is going to feel less confident of who he is when you are there with him. So carry yourself with dignity, respect and love. Speak kindness to all those you meet so that he can be proud to call you his wife at all times, not worrying that you may have privately offended someone.
Now, I have only been married almost 7 years. I am no expert on marriage, but I have found that there is a difference between just doing whatever my husband says, which is what I literally tried to do the first few months of our marriage (anyone who knows me knows this is NOT my personality so that failed miserably) I soon thought I was a failure of a wife because I had an actual opinion on stuff and I felt the need to share it. Your husband, if you can learn to talk with him and be open with him and real and not condemn him, will be more open minded to hearing your ideas instead of feeling like he is never good enough, like he never is allowed to have an opinion or that he is always wrong in your eyes. If he knows that you have wisdom(which we have all been blessed with at least in some small amount), and he knows you have his and your best interest in mind, he will be more open to seeking your advice and sharing in making decisions together.
If your husband has heard your idea and he has chosen to take a different option then as a wife it is not your job to tell him what an idiot he is for making that choice. This will go against all grain of natural character but it is true. If he knows you can stand beside him even when you don't always agree and he knows you trust him to make the right decisions for you and him and your family then he is more likely to come back to you and ask for your opinion the next time he needs it or desires your input. Do NOT hang anything he may have screwed up over his head the next time he comes to you. The point in submitting is actually the point of respect. When you respect your husband you extend grace to his mistakes and you forgive.
And never, never never never, (Get the picture?) Never NEVER NEVER NEVER ok so NEVER EVER say something like this, which I have often heard, "when he starts loving me the way Christ loves the church I'll start treating him with respect and submitting." Truth is ladies, your husband is NOT Jesus Christ. Jesus may live inside your husband and may influence your husbands decisions but your husband is not on this side of earth ever going to be an exact replica of Jesus Love to the church when it comes to how he treats you. Let's face it Jesus is God's Son, He is the only one who is fully able to comprehend the kind of love He has for His church.
As far as what some people portray what they think submission is, they need to take a new look in the Bible and read again. Submission works only when there is a true respect. Forcing a woman to be submissive the way some men talk about is just not even close to loving, it is degrading and they treat their dogs better than that and it earns them little to no respect. But, as women, we are shown by Jesus Christ how to submit. Jesus was open always with the Father God and He followed his orders right up to the cross knowing and trusting the Father to have it all planned perfectly for Him. We can follow Jesus example of submission and know we are following the one who submitted himself best of anyone. If we can resemble Jesus Christ to our husbands in turn they can and often without knowing it, will also treat us more as Jesus would with love, just like we want.
Don't play the blame game of I don't do this because he doesn't blah blah blah. If you want to have the true Biblical sense of respect for your husband the way God commands then we must learn to put our husband first before ourselves and our selfish I am always right moments.
I am not an expert in always treating my husband 100% with this type of submission. I am as human as any other woman. I like being right, I occasionally loose my cool and temper, I am not always kind and I don't always have my act together. I do not always practice the way of talking with my husband instead of at him. But I can say the longer I have been married and the more I work on these types of showing submission to him the happier I have become because when I am doing the right thing I have let go of my selfish desires to do things my way and attempted to put him and his happiness first knowing God is leading my husband and I have to trust his leading.
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