Completely Broken-God finally takes over

For a few years now I have been asking God to really help me work on an area in my life where I know I am completely having issues. But it wasn't till a couple months ago that He really seemed to slowly start answering this prayer. For the last several months I had really struggled with the fact I was still fighting this sin issue and no matter how hard I was trying to work on it, it seemed to be getting worse.

Now, does that mean God has for a few years caused me to struggle with a terrible sin issue of mine that I felt hopeless to deal with on my own? Well maybe. I think honestly, yes, he has. Now we all know God does not tempt us but I think sometimes He knows that just because we realize we have a sin problem doesn't mean our hearts are ready to work on it. Sometimes I think God waits for the exact right moment when we are truly ready for the change to even think about helping us with fixing the part of us we struggle with.

A few months ago I finally hit rock bottom. I hit my breaking point. I cried out so much and even verbally (this is big for me I usually cry but not to the point of yelling and being very verbal with God) for help because I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I couldn't control it on my own and I knew the only way I could fix my problem was if God stepped in. So I told him I was done trying to fix my own problem with or without his help I was just done trying. If He wanted it fixed He needed to help me out because I couldn't even attempt to find answers anymore to work on my problem. I was exhausted from trying and frankly the mental beating myself up after I would have an outbreak was more than I could keep taking.

I think God made me wait till I was to the point of utterly broken to step in and rescue me because I needed to have a 100% repentant heart. He needed me to hit the breaking point so that I truly relied on Him to show me what and how He needed to fix me. It was a good way to be sure I didn't step in and try and find ways to fix myself anymore.

I was to the point of utter failure and bottom of the bottom with it, so depressed because I finally realized I was getting no where with trying to spiritually aid myself out of my hole of anger. The pit was getting worse. The repercussions were becoming more real. And no matter how much I loved God and wanted things to be lived just perfectly for him the anger would sneak in daily and destroy all Joy I was finding in serving Christ.

 I hit rock bottom because I wasn't using God's way or His power, or even His will to deal with my constant battle with anger I was using self reliance and things I thought were the right answer. God needed me at that complete depressed state so I would throw my hands up completely, not just half way expecting a quick fix.

I know I have a long way to go before I am healed, before I can be fully in the understanding and other side of this. But, I do know without a shadow of a doubt that He IS in the process of showing me and gently leading me through the process of healing and finding ways to fix and deal with my issues.

 I can't believe how awesome it is to watch and see how God seriously has intervened in my life these last couple months to show me He is answering me. He just needed me to surrender the whole sin to Him so He could fix it all the way, not just put a band aid on it and cover up the problem until the next time I decided to blow.

It's a journey I look forward to. I can't wait to see how God is going to change me with this whole process. I have been waiting years and I mean years to be completely changed from this part of my life.  I had learned to accept it as just part of my life, figuring it was in my genes and something that just wouldn't change. It was part of my Italian DNA. I just had to accept I was sometimes a rotten person with a sever temper issue. But now I know better.

Now I know that God does care and He does want to help me change this and He is willing to aid me in showing me why He gave me these types of emotions more strongly than others. I am so excited to know the journey I have longed for is finally beginning. Just knowing that He is showing me and leading me down the path He is takes a weight off my shoulders.

 I also have learned one huge part that will I think help me that I hadn't accepted before and that to change this problem I need to give myself time. I need time to heal and time to make mistakes. It's not a fix that is going to just magically happen over night. Crazy to think God might just have been waiting to teach me how to control my temper/anger until I learned a little more patience with myself.

It's exciting to see God take my ashes now I get to watch as He finds a way to turn them into something beautiful for Him!